badfic_manor | 37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video|private text][backdated to monday morning]

[Look who's standing in the doorway to your room just a moment later? That stalker-talent? Its not solely yours anymore, Hayato. His creature was walking behind him shortly. Ryuutaro had not paid much attention to it yet.]

Not busy at all. Can I come in?

[Quite the contrary of busy. Ever since he got up early in the morning he'd practically been waiting for Hayato to contact him]

[Hayato was a bit surprised how quickly Ryuutaro responded... and that he responded right outside his door.]

Yeah, of course.

[And ignoring the pouting little animal on his table, he got up to greet his boyfriend. He didn't really know what he wanted to do, or even what he could say... he just didn't want to be alone at the moment.]

[Ryuutaro stepped in until he was in front of Hayato and took his hands as he smiled up at him. He had known monday would be hard ever from their conversation in the dining room... actually even before. His fortune-telling, or whatever was left of it here, told him the same thing, but it's not like he needed it in this case. It had been obvious.]

Good morning.

[Hayato looked down at their hands and smiled weakly, giving them a little squeeze.]

Mornin'....

[And he leaned down to bump his head against Ryuutaro's affectionately as his smile faded. He just... didn't feel good...and he didn't know how to deal with it. Usually he'd just go out and take his temper out on someone else, but now that just didn't feel like an option. Not after he had died anyway. He couldn't even find the motivation to work on his bombs or formulas. What was the point anymore? He felt all sorts of mixed up and jumbled, he had been here for too long...]

[Ryuutaro let go of Hayato's hands, but only to wrap his arms around him.
After last week, he himself was mostly fine. Tobio was no a person who meant overly much to him, despite them getting along okay if pushed into it. He had had a chance to beybattle and it was more than he had expected to be able to. Beyblading against someone again was usually something he was afraid of thinking about.
He didn't expect much change at the Manor and going home... he avoided the thoughts to the best of his ability.

Even with his own warped sense of what families were like, it wasn't hard to figure, that Hayato had to feel awful. Sitting this day through with him was probably the least he could do.
Occasionally, but really just sometimes, he still wondered how this happened. Now after meeting Tobio and being reminded of what his world was actually like -at days he was close to losing the feeling of it- he felt this way again, but only for a short moment.
He loved Hayato and there were enough moments to make up for going through his pain with him as well.]

[Hayato instantly wrapped his arms around Ryuutaro, holding him tightly and just clutching onto the fabric on his clothes. Everyone was leaving, but as long as Ryuutaro was here... as long as he could see him, then he couldn't disappear too.]

R-Ryuutaro... I... I...

[He what? He couldn't think of what to say. He just wanted to try and tell Ryuutaro how he felt or just talk to him, Ryuutaro always knew what to say to help him sort himself out, but right now there was just so much eating at him that he couldn't make sense of it. He wanted help but he didn't know what for. He tightened his grip just a little more, possibly pushing the boundaries of being just a little too tight]

[Ryuutaro didn't feel too well under the extreme pressure of Hayato's arms, but for now he could stand it. He knew that Hayato would take horribly to him trying to tell him something as silly as this right now, so he let it be. It wasn't as if he was so ridiculously weak that he couldn't even handle his boyfriend clinging to him.

So instead of complaining, he gently let his fingers run over Hayato's back, non-verbally telling him to calm down and relax.]

Ssshh... I know. You don't need rush into talking, we have time...

[It pleased Ryuutaro to see he was getting at least a bit better at handling this sort of situation. Finding out that the way he had talked to customers had nothing to do with saying the right things to someone close to him had been horrifying.
While not being close to people, Ryuutaro had always thought he understood them quite well. It had turned out, that that was not the case. He only knew how to get them to do what he wanted, but learning the opposite was harder than he would've thought.]

[Hayato nodded and tried taking a few deep shaky breaths to try and calm himself. He did seem to relax a little bit, fortunately. His hold on Ryuutaro loosened until the only thing supporting his arms was his grip on the fabric. He just continued leaning against him, almost limply now.

He didn't need to talk... Ryuutaro was right here... he wasn't going anywhere. But the sooner that this got worked out, the sooner he would feel better.]

[Ryuutaro kept up with the comforting petting-movements and stayed silent for a while, just letting Hayato feel that he was with him. For minutes they just remained in that position.

He did want to talk and try figure this out with Hayato, but at the same time he didn't know where to start.]

Hayato? Should we sit down, maybe?... it's not like we're going anywhere soon.

[Naturally he was not doing to deny further hugs and cuddling from Hayato, not now, but somehow actually settling down seemed like a better starting point for conversations]

[The teen slowly pulled back, letting one of his hands take up Ryuutaro's as he moved to sit on the bed.

He stared at their hands together for a moment, before just leaning against Ryuutaro. He didn't say anything yet though, he couldn't. He didn't know how to work any of it out. He couldn't pinpoint what was wrong, or maybe there were just so many things wrong he didn't know what to do.

For now though, all he wanted was to be near Ryuutaro. Ryuutaro had never left him, or hurt him, all he had ever done was be there for him. Ryuutaro was just always there, and in light of recent events he needed that more than anything right now.]

[Ryuutaro let Hayato rest on him. If that was what he needed then Ryuutaro would be there for it. They could sit in silence and just be... it would be fine.
In situations like this he didn't feel like either of them would need words to prevent possible awkwardness. Saying nothing until words came was good enough. Ryuutaro might want to talk this through but not until Hayato was ready.

Ryuutaro liked silence. Living alone it had always been a part of his life and sometimes he just couldn't stand how loud people were at times. Silence was comforting.

The fortune-teller slowly let his thumb run over the skin of Hayato's hand, seeming absent-minded in the movement, as if it just came without thinking]

[It took him a few minutes of just calming himself down, watching Ryuutaro stroke his hand, before he could finally speak.]

Ryuutaro... since you came here... have you ever felt like you really wanted to go home.... but at the same time nothing scares you more than actually being sent home?

[It was only the tip of the iceberg and not exactly the most coherent of statements... but it was something. He was talking...]

[Fortunate enough Ryuutaro felt as if he exactly knew what Hayato meant. He nodded a bit, smiling faintly. It was not a smile of happyness nor was it particularly bitter, it was just there.]

Most of the time, if I'm honest. Sometimes more and sometimes less.

[Well, it had started when he and Hayato got close and lately it had faded a bit, but Ryuutaro didn't feel like going into detail about himself here.
He knew though that the longer he stayed at the Manor, the less he felt like he should return home, ignoring some moments of bad homesickness.]

I... I don't want to lose you, and this place is the only chance I've got to see my mom... but...

[He cringed held Ryuutaro's hand a bit tighter, this was clearly a large part of what bothered him.]

But the Vongola's gone... I... haven't seen the Tenth since Christmas... after I told him about us... his name's still on the door though. I don't know... maybe I did something wrong? But even if he's avoidin' me... I should have seen him somewhere. Everyone from home is just... gone. I don't know what to do without the Vongola... I've tried to keep my skills sharp and everything, but what if I'm too different now? What if they all come back and I can't do my job?

[And he's starting to get more frantic as he speaks]

When boss was here... he was just... so much stronger than I am... I mean he's always been stronger, but I've still been able to watch his back- now... I just get in the way.... what if... what if he finds a stronger storm guardian and I have to step down? What if I have to go back to Italy?!

[And he's worked himself into a full blown panic, unable to sit down any longer, he gets up and starts pacing back and forth, running his hands through his hair.]

I-I'd have to be a freelance hitman on the streets again... I-I'd rather die than have to go back to that... but I... I promised I wouldn't... [So he would have to live that life again for the sake of his promise...] I-I can't go back to that... but.. but what if this is my fault somehow? W-what if I'm doing something to make them all leave?! I just... I just... I just don't know anymore...

[And he paused his pacing just clutching his head, hoping in vain that if he applied pressure it would make this horrible feeling just go away.]

[Ryuutaro watched Hayato walk and talk in silence. For a moment he couldn't help but feel irrationally angry at the Vongola. He knew they had pretty much saved Hayato and given him a place to belong at, but right now they were the reason he was hurting.
He pushed the feeling aside quickly. They weren't here right now, but Hayato was. He could be angry later.
Ryuutaro gets up again as well, walking up to Hayato to play his hands over his boyfriend's softly.]

Stop this... It's not your fault. The Author is messing with you...

[His voice had changed into this quit but firm tone he mostly used when talking to Hayato in such situations.]

You've done nothing wrong. You're not going to die and you're not going back to anything bad either.

[Saying the word 'die' hurt more than expected. The mere thought of witnessing that again was enough to have Ryuutaro tempted to cringe in pain, but luckily he got the feeling to pass a moment after.]

Being here without them only means you gather extra experience for this time... it might seem like you're behind, but actually you'll be ahead.

[He wasn't sure if he entirely believed what he was saying. What he did actually think about was Hayato going back to the Vongola and for a moment he felt as if he was supporting his boyfriend into leaving him.]

[Hayato once again stared at their hands, unable to make eye contact at the moment. While he knew Ryuutaro didn't fully understand the extent of just how behind he was when it came to his power, just hearing how much faith he had in him was comforting. He even took a bit of solace in his words. But the comfort he took from Ryuutaro brought up the other issue...]

And what if I lose you and any chance to see my mother again? I-it's like I have to decide between my home and the people that make me happy.

[He leaned his head down on Ryuutaro's shoulder to hide his face]

What would I do without being able to hold you... and talk to you when things get hard? A-and my mom... sh-she's not here a lot but... but... she's the only person that's told me she loved me and mean it...

Edited 2012-02-11 01:29 (UTC)

[The thought of Hayato not being there any longer was more than only horrible. Ryuutaro, too, wouldn't know what to do and that was almost as scary as the thought in itself.
It hurt a lot and that was why it took Ryuutaro some time to register Hayato's last and silent words.

... that was right. He had never said it. It seemed almost weird to him that Hayato wouldn't just know because it should be so obvious.
Ryuutaro struggled with himself. This moment didn't feel right for it, but at the same time he just wanted to tell Hayato that he loved him and that this was why they belonged right next to each other, again and again, until he finally understood.
For a moment he couldn't say anything at all. He just wanted to have Hayato promise again and again that he would stay with him... But that felt weak and pathetic and with all the things Hayato had said he just couldn't.]

....it's not like you have to chose right now...

[He pulled his had back from Ryuutaro's shoulder and nodded solemnly. He knew that he had little say in any of this. The Author decided when people came and went, and her decision had been to take the Vongola away from him. He couldn't understand why, but he supposed it was for the better. They could... move one without him. It would be okay. Boss was strong. Hayato looked down and forced a weak smile on his face. It still hurt, but he had to try and work something out. The right hand man of the Vongola couldn't just break down like this. He needed to be strong enough to shoulder the Tenth's burdens... but right now he just felt so small and weak, and even a little bit alone.]

R-right... I'm here now, with you. I just gotta stay strong for the Vongola and... treasure all the time I have with the person that I... that I...

[The person that he loved, but couldn't say it. Everyone he told he loved either hurt him or disappeared. He couldn't risk that, especially not now. Not when he needed this support the most. It didn't help that he wholeheartedly believed that the only person who was capable of loving him was his mother. He knew Ryuutaro cared about him, but love? That would be too far fetched. Hayato was grateful enough that he let him spend time with him, and hold him, and let him be close. That was all he needed. It was all he could ever expect to have, and it was more than enough for him.

His brows knit together and he looked off to the side. He couldn't even tell him that he loved him. What could he even do right anymore?]

Edited 2012-02-14 06:06 (UTC)

... love.

[If that had been the first time for Hayato to awkwardly end like this, maybe Ryuutaro wouldn’t have said it without thinking. It had litereally just made it’s way past any kind of control from Ryuutaro’s sanity, because it was just so obvious. Ryuutaro couldn’t help it, it was just too easy to tell what Hayato was thinking.
And if he was wrong – a thing that Ryuutaro never even contemplated on this matter- then there would be something seriously wrong with their entire basis.

As Ryuutaro completed what Hayato said, he just looked up at him almost blankly, only realizing what he’d said a moment later, when it was too late anyway. Only now Ryuutaro wondered what exactly the reasons were because of which Hayato never had finished saying this. He could imagine them, but at the same time he could not emotionally understand any of it, so it seemed almost impossible for anything like that to be true.

He should probably say something now. And while a moment earlier everything had felt wrong for any of this, it was fading. An odd thing for sure, how Hayato not saying that he loved him could give Ryuutaro the same sense of reassurance that actually hearing it would.
He smiled a bit.]

[For a moment the teen felt his heart stop. His head instantly snapped up to look at Ryuutaro, his face going a shade paler and his eyes wide. Even the hands that held Ryuutaro’s started to tremble slightly. He knew. What would happen now? Would he be upset? Would he decide that he wasn’t worth the affection? Would he leave him too? Or throw him away?

He had always been silently grateful that Ryuutaro had allowed him to give him the affection he did, but with this... would that change? What if he didn’t want that kind of affection? What if knowing that he loved him would somehow wake him up to the very reason no one wanted him for those long four years on the streets?

He was scared.

He knew he couldn’t help how he felt, and he knew he was pathetic for not being able to say it, it was something Ryuutaro had the right to know, but there was so much else that the little four-letter-word brought with it when spoken. It was the final barrier he had. If no one knew he loved him, and no one loved him back then he couldn’t get hurt again. He couldn’t take getting hurt again...

He opened his mouth to speak, but at first no sound came out. He had to try and swallow the lump in his throat before he could even manage to stutter.]

I-I.... I...

[He didn’t even know what to say. “Please don’t leave me”? “Promise you won’t hurt me too”? All he could manage was that little stutter. This was... more terrifying then anything he had gone through so far. The ring battles... the torture and interrogation by Gamma... his death... this...

He was just so afraid of getting hurt again.]

[At least he was looking at him now. Between all this rising panic Ryuutaro could see in his boyfriend’s eyes that seemed like the silver lining. Why didn’t he know already?
Hayato could usually read him really well, but never when it came to how Ryuutaro felt about him. It was beyond ridiculous already to see just how much Hayato could twist all the signals Ryuutaro gave sometimes.
Right now was not the appropriate time to think about this though. Ryuutaro looked into Hayato’s eyes and for a moment he felt almost sorry for solely having completed what was obvious. He wanted to see that panic fade down and melt again, though at the same time he couldn’t help a little headshake at how blind Hayato was being. Right after though, before giving Hayato much time to react - god knew what he would’ve made out of that... - he looked up again, making sure their eyes were locked on each other’s.]

I love you. Don’t you know that?

[It was stating the obvious. They had been together for such a long time now, they went through so much.... Doing so without loving each other wouldn’t have made any sense.
But at the same time saying it felt like a lot more and Ryuutaro unexpectedly felt himself growing a bit nervous as well. He didn’t know what for, there was just no reason... They had gotten together months ago, this was supposed to be natural, but his heart was racing like it didn’t know. Maybe it didn’t. They spent so much time circling each other, slowly drawing each other closer and closer that often it didn’t feel like they already got to being together yet. It was complicated. Ryuutaro had no way or comparing how something like this was supposed to be, but even he couldn’t see it as anything but that.
They’d been running and running and running without really moving forward a lot and despite living through all the close and calm moments they had somehow missed the point to stop running. From each other, towards each other, sometimes he hadn’t even known anymore.
Somehow he needed to smile some more, a bit of an awkward almost embarrassed smile from what it felt like, but Ryuutaro hoped that it wouldn’t be so obvious.
His heart was racing, his thoughts were standing perfectly still and now that they got here he didn’t know where to go. They really did things completely the wrong way around]

[And for just a moment everything seemed to stop. Those three words just running through his head on repeat. He loved him. Before his mind could even catch up on the what the rest of him was doing, he could feet his face heat up as hot tears started rolling down his cheeks. He knew men shouldn’t cry. He should be able to hold himself better than this... but it struck him so deeply he couldn’t help but feel like he was still that little boy on the streets. And he finally got to hear those three words he had been so starved for.

He was loved. Why? He couldn’t understand, but Ryuutaro said it. Ryuutaro, out of all people had the least reason to say it. All Hayato had done in the relationship was mess up... but he still loved him anyway... just because. He was so lucky.

He let out a small choked-out laugh between the sobs that now shook his shoulders. He was so happy. Hayato fell forward a little and simply flung his arms around the boy he loved. His knees felt weak. His heart was fluttering and aching at the same time. So much old hurt brought to the surface... only to be mended a little bit. He was good enough for someone to love.

It took him a few moments of simply crying and snuggling close to his boyfriend before he could even manage to to speak between the sniffles and sobs.]

C-could... could you say it again? ...please?

[Hayato's reaction was almost scary to Ryuutaro. So much reaction for something that should've been this obvious. For a moment he was just in shock, but then he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend.
Maybe he should've said this sooner... Even if it wasn't exactly his duty and even if Hayato himself had been unable to say it. Even so.

He smiled a bit as they stayed like that... he still felt a bit depressed, the thought from before weren't leaving his mind this easily, but having Hayato react so much to his words was not only scary but also felt quite good and especially somewhat reassuring after they had talked about the Vongola.

At Hayato's words he laughed silently before replying.]

You really should know by now... I love you.

[The second time felt somewhat better than the first, Ryuutaro couldn't quite place a finger on the reason for that.]

...I love you.

[Getting used to it, it really didn't sound so bad... He could imagine saying that again and again until Hayato had understood.]

[Hayato smiled and held Ryuutaro tightly as he just took in those words. Just like that he felt unable to leave the boy in front of him. He was just as dependent on Ryuutaro as he was the Vongola. The Vongola was his life, the place that made him important and valued, the place where he belonged. It gave him a purpose and surrounded him with people that cared about him. He had friends and people that wanted to protect him as much as he wanted to protect them. Ryuutaro... was family. Someone he could be with and act like a total dipshit and not worry about messing up. He knew everything about him...

...well almost everything.

He would have to tell Ryuutaro what life was like on the streets. He... had never talked about it before, but if Ryuutaro was willing to love him, then he had the right no know what kind of a person he used be.... but first-

The teen pulled back from the hug just enough to press his lips firmly against Ryuutaro's. He couldn't say his feelings yet. He was almost there, he just needed a little more time before he could manage an 'I love you too', but hopefully actions could speak louder than words for now.]

[Ryuutaro knew. He would've like to hear it, but even without that he had no doubts about Hayato's feeling towards him. The kiss was enough for now.
Ryuutaro closed his eyes immediately, arms wrapping around Hayato a bit more tightly.
For a moment and just a moment the prior worries left him as well. In this relationship he really seemed to be stuck in a roller coaster all the time ~~and Ryuutaro didn't even like amusement parks~~.

As they broke apart after some time he just smiled slightly. He didn't know what he even would want to say after these three words.]

[It took Hayato a few minutes to calm himself down enough to try and think how to make the transition from this amazing moment to... what he was going to. He felt so light and happy, and everything seemed okay, but he was worried that maybe telling Ryuutaro would make him change his mind. It was something he needed to know though.

He made an effort to slow his tears, but every time he ran those three words through his head the tears just came to his eyes. At least now he had managed to get them to fall silently rather than the uncontrollable sobbing. In a brief tender moment he reached his hand up to cup his boyfriend's cheek and stroke it with his thumb. He just stared at Ryuutaro, with a slight smile on his tear-streaked face. This boy loved him. After all they've been through, and all the flaws he'd seen... he loved him. Gathering himself a little he found the strength to finally make the transition.]

I... there's something's I should tell you...

[He was nervous. It was a heavy subject... and Ryuutaro's world was... well he wasn't sure how he would handle it, but if there was anyone who could still accept him regardless of his past it would be Ryuutaro right? That's what you did when you loved someone... and hopefully he won't find something he doesn't like and leave him. This... was going to be hard.]

[Ryuutaro nodded slowly and smiled a little.]

Then do. I'm listening.

[He sat down on the bed again, tugging on Hayato's hand a bit so that he'd do the same. Whatever this exactly was about it sounded serious and it sounded like it would take some time. He was fully filling to listen with all the attention he had.
All this time he had been aware that they were still things about Hayato that he didn't know and he hoped that now he'd get a bit more clarity. Naturally he knew how hard the stories from Hayato's past could be and he was almost a bit afraid... But by loving him Ryuutaro'd taken all this upon his shoulders either way. He couldn't close his eyes from it.]

[He took a seat next to Ryuutaro and was silent for a moment as he continued to try and work up the nerve to tell his story. He bit his lip and fidgeted anxiously for a bit, feeling awkward about being so quiet as he mentally prepared himself.]

S-sorry... I... I've never told anyone this before... i-it's sorta hard to start...

[He took a deep breath, he should probably start at the beginning... after he first ran away, that would make sense. He looked down at his lap so he wouldn't have to see Ryuutaro's expression as he recanted his story, in fear of the possibility that he might see him look disgusted.]

Well, when I first ran away... I thought my dad would come lookin' for me. I wanted him to come and tell me what I heard was wrong.... uh... about my mother. I ran away the after hearing the maids talk about it. I waited until the day after next, and I just figured that he didn't know where to find me. I was out of the money I brought too, so I started shoplifting things from the local shops, and trying to pick pockets. I wasn't very good at it though... I remember one of the shopkeepers beat me with a broom pretty bad, and all I remember thinkin' was "Wait until my dad finds out".

[His brows knit together and he scoffs a bit.]

I was out there for a month before it hit me that he knew exactly where I was and he wasn't goin' to come for me. I had to make it to the next town over too, since all the shops knew I was a thief and wouldn't let me in. I heard of a Famiglia in the next town too, I thought if I could prove myself that they'd accept me. Didn't work like I thought it would. They had no use for a spoiled piano-playing rich kid from another family, so I was stuck to pick pocketing and shoplifting. I got good at it though. Eventually I started picking up on other things, like how to jack a motorcycle or a car, picking locks. I could get enough money to get supplies to make dynamite charges. Weak ones, but I could open a safe with it. I didn't get a lot of money for my work though... I'd usually work for free a lot of the time if whoever hired me said I would be part of the family if I did it. When I would ask them afterward I was lucky if they just laughed and walked away, they'd usually just beat me up though. Asking to be part of a family didn't really work either. Even if I could work to do odd jobs, bein' a bastard with a Japanese mother isn't exactly looked well on in the Mafia. I remember one time... the guys took my shoes and threw them in a river and said if I could go get them they'd let me in the family. I couldn't swim at the time but I tried anyway. Stuff like that happened a lot. I was lucky that I at least had enough sense to more or less avoid the nasty old bastards that tried to cope a feel.

[He shuddered a bit, it still made his blood run cold remembering them, but then he let out a sigh and continued. Wordlessly blessing the 'stranger danger' he had drilled in him from a young age]

Once I hit ten, I was still sleeping outside, and had jumped around to a few towns on the island. People started to know who I was and what I did, so I got a little more work. Enough to keep me fed and well supplied. I started making stronger dynamite, and started getting tougher jobs. That's when I pulled my first hit... it went off okay, I disrupted the event I was supposed to, but I got caught... so I didn't get paid. I guess that's when I started gettin' more bitter? I dunno, it's when I started demanding money for jobs even if they said I could be part of the family. Started picking fights then too... I just... didn't like people. It didn't matter who or why... even if they just bumped into my I would flip on them. Though... I was ten... and was too small to do much. I can't even remember how many times I got knocked out cold in some alley, or got beat so bad I could just lay there wonderin' if I was goin' to die there... just some nameless homeless kid with a temper that no one would miss. That happened when I got hungry too. If the shopkeepers knew me too well, and I couldn't get a job I would be out of food for a few days. Y'know if you don't eat long enough you start seein' things?

[He shook his head.]

I started really watchin' for my own ass and no one else's. I would take hits on buildings, events, people, and it didn't matter if they were good people or not. I... messed up a lot of people's lives, some people didn't even do anything. Some guy just didn't like 'em and didn't want to waste the manpower by using one of his own men to do it. Sometimes they really were good people, and I just... pulled the hit anyway because I needed the money. I got better at fighting too, I could hold my own against a couple guys twice my size... they would just... come back with more people later though and I'd end up a bloody mess in an alley again. But I messed a lot of people up. There was one guy, I don't even know if he was comin' after me or not, but I was in a shady part of town and just went off on him. I beat his head in with a pipe that was laying nearby until he stopped moving. I-I don't know if I killed him... I just took off after. That sort of thing happened a lot. I never checked if they were dead... but if you do something like put a bomb under under the podium someone is talking at... if they're not dead then they're at least not going to have anything to walk with after. I'm a hitman... a really good hitman. I know how to kill people, and I've done it for very little... if anything. And I didn't care either. I lived to keep my own ass alive. That's all. I didn't have friends, or family,I was the only person that looked out for me. If the Ninth hadn't gotten me off the streets I would still be doin' it if I wasn't dead.

[he swallowed the lump in his throat and finally looked up at Ryuutaro. He was afraid of what he would see in the other boy's face. Would he be so repulsed by who he was that he would take back those three words?]

Are you... still okay with me?

[The first part of the story didn't surprise Ryuutaro at all and if he was completely honest, neither did the second. He had suspected it, somewhere very deep down, but he'd never ever brought the thought to the surface.
But with his world... Hayato was technically worse than Ryuuga, than Reiji than Daidouji... all of the people Ryuutaro hated and would never go back to in his life, no matter what.
A part of Ryuutaro rejected all this with all it's might. He wanted to run and hide. He had always known Hayato was good with dynamite... he was in the mafia... It... wasn't surprising.
Ryuutaro had grown up between organized crime. His father's yakuza wasn't like mafia in Hayato's world, but he knew that sometimes they could be extremely cruel. And the Dark Nebula...
Ryuutaro knew organized crimne. He heard about Hayato's world... It wasn't surprising.
Yet, hearing it, he couldn't help but imagine it over and over, something he could and at the same time he couldn't.
Now that he knew, really knew, for the first time he was forced to deal with the fact that his boyfriend was not only a criminal - he was used to those - but also a kind of killer.
He felt sick.

While during Hayato's story he had to stop looking at him, he looked over now, his facial expression unreadable, just a bit more pale than usually.
He just needed to know how he felt.
Looking Hayato over, he had to imagine the blood on his hands, metaphorically... It felt weird. And ultimately it didn't change a thing. He felt sick, he felt awful and yet all he wanted to do was let himself be comforted by exactly those hands... while at the same time wanting to run from them.
Ryuutaro was only half-aware of the fact that he didn't say anything for minutes. He just couldn't. There was so much he needed to figure out for himself. This was nothing he could just nod off.
He was actually a person with a rather strong set of morals after all.
'If I had known this before... or if I was who I was when I arrived... I'd leave now and never come back' was a thought that crossed his mind.
But he wasn't, not anymore. The extent to which he had changed only became visible to him now.

Ryuutaro stared at Hayato again, now at his face, his eyes. He loved this person. Even if a part of him wanted to change that, he was unable to.
He loved him. For everything he was right now. He had seen his mind, his thoughts, felt his feelings... He couldn't just stop loving him, not after everything they'd been through.
It'd take him some to get used to this ... but he knew he had to. If he didn't, he'd regret it every single day.
So slowly and shakily he nodded.]

...y-yes. You're you now. I know who you are now. That's what counts to me.

[Ryuutaro felt as if he had crossed some invisible border. He couldn't ever return to who he had been, not anymore.

Edited 2012-02-15 21:26 (UTC)

[The minutes it took for Ryuutaro to answer felt like the longest eternity possibly to the teen. What if he wasn't okay with it? What if he left him? What if he hated him so much for who he was and what he had done that he couldn't even stand being his friend anymore? What if by telling him, he had done something horrible and hurt Ryuutaro? His hands clutched the fabric of his pants to try and keep from trembling, his own face want a shade paler, and sweat coated his forehead. He was so frightened...

And then... he was... accepted. For everything he was. Ryuutaro knew everything. More than any other person did. He was still a person worth loving. Tears welled up in the teen's eyes and he let out a choked laugh. It was okay. He was so relieved and just happy. He had done bad things, but he was still worth being loved. He couldn't even begin to describe what a wonderful feeling it was to be valued as a person like this.

He was so happy he couldn't help but fling his arms around Ryuutaro and pulled him into another tight hug, placing a peck on his cheek and nuzzling against his face. He couldn't even express the feeling in words, all he knew was that he was somewhere between laughing and crying. He felt like maybe he could try to move forward now. That by telling Ryuutaro everything and still being accepted finally closed a horrific chapter of his life. For once he felt that regardless of what he had done, he couldn't bring himself to loathe himself again, because someone loved him anyway. If he hated himself while someone that knew everything loved him... then he would be doing wrong by the person who loved him.]

Thank you... Th-thank you so much Ryuutaro...

[Seeing Hayato laugh like this with these tears made Ryuutaro feel like he was being suffocated. He loved this person. He loved him so much and seeing him like this meant a lot to him. But at the same time he was just scared and he didn't even know of what.
Hayato was still Hayato, he'd known him for so long, he knew everything there was to him now. There was no reason to be scared, to feel this weird, no reason at all. It was past, over and done with...
As Hayato hugged him he didn't move away, even if for a second he wanted to. But there was no way he could let Hayato see how he actually felt.
Ryuutaro was almost fully certain that he wanted to keep all they had and if he let Hayato see... He'd react so badly. And Ryuutaro did want to see him happy. Just that at this moment he wished he could leave the room to get his thoughts under control as well as the dizzy and nauseous way his body felt.
At least he wasn't shaking more than a bit though, at least that.
Ryuutaro forced a smile, like he did so well, and leaned into Hayato a bit.

The same comforting warmth... He wanted to run and hide and he wasn't sure if it was from Hayato or just from himself. But at the same time he was content staying there. Ryuutaro closed his eyes for a small moment. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so lost.]

[In his elation he didn't completely register that Ryuutaro wasn't returning the hug, between this and the day he was invited into the Vongola it was hard to tell which day was the best. He was willing to overlook the lack of returned affections for now, after all, Ryuutaro said it was okay. What reason was there not to believe him?

It took him some time before he pulled back and finally got himself together. His face was red and irritated from the tears, but he still had the biggest smile on his face.

He took Ryuutaro's hands and his and stood from the bed, tugging to get Ryuutaro to follow. He wanted to do something with him, he didn't know what yet, but he was so happy and excited he needed to just do something to let it all out. Even if it was just doing something as simple as walking around.]

S-so you want to grab breakfast or something?

[Ryuutaro blinked and for a moment he thought he was falling down a hole. Of course he wouldn't have any time alone now. And food? He wasn't sure if he could eat any.
But he stood up regardless and nodded with a small smile. At least an excuse came to his mind in due time.]

I've been up for a while now, I don't need any, but we can go and get some for you.

[Danger of eating and actually being the one to throw up: avoided. Relieved about that, Ryuutaro closed his fingers around Hayato's. He loved him. And he was really cute like this... it was all fine... ]

[Hayato just kept that beaming smile on his face and turned to leave when he remembered the little fluffy thing he was passive aggressively bullying earlier. He glanced on the table to see the little ball of fluff pouting at him.]

Well if we're gettin' food, I should probably feed that little guy too.

[He walked over and picked it up to place on his shoulder before taking Ryuutaro's hand again so they could go downstairs downstairs.]

[It took Ryuutaro a whole lot of seconds to even remember that these things existed. He looked over at his, which had just entertained itself by playing with a bit of dust and nodded at it to follow. It was all the could bring himself to do right now.
The walk downstairs he spent in silence, taking a moment to clear up his head further.
Spinning things around any longer wasn't going to help him manage until he was alone]

[Gokudera cast a few curious glances Ryuutaro's way, not that he expected him to say anything... he couldn't really find words himself right now. Something just felt a little weird, but it was probably nothing. Ryuutaro said it was okay, and Ryuutaro told him to trust him so he would. Besides! He said he loved him! Everything was okay!

Once they arrived at the kitchen, Gokudera gave Ryuutaro a peck on the cheek and separated. He knew full well that he was a scourge in the kitchen, and food was best left up to Ryuutaro. He takes the break to pick up the little furry thing in his hands, it still looked at him a bit warily, but seemed to enjoy the ride.]

Hmmm.... think I should give it a name?

[It was kind of cute... it would probably disappear at the end of the week... so he shouldn't get attached... but....

...it was really, really cute... and a UMA.]

[Ryuutaro didn't feel like he had any sort of concentration to deal with these... whatever they were. Opening the kitchen cupboard, he glanced back at Hayato and shrugged slightly.]

I suppose you could... Maybe it'll not be useful in the long run, but calling it might be easier.

[Same went for his own one, but his head was definitely filled with other things than naming small fluffy things right now.]

[His face scrunched up in thought as he looked at the little light brown furball. Well, naming it 'Tsuna' might be a little weird... and confusing. Maybe 'Tuna'? It would be like naming it after his boss, without actually naming it after his boss... but the names were so similar there could still be some mix up. So... in Italian!]

Tonno!

[He nodded and set it back on the table, watching it curiously as it simply stared at the big silver-haired weirdo before it. The teen had so many plans for this little guy! Just to find out what he was!]

[Ryuutaro watched Hayato and the now-named Tonno for a short moment. It was hard to believe this boy had... Ryuutaro stopped this train of thought. It was ridiculous to reduce him to that and the last thing Ryuutaro wanted.
This was still Hayato, he knew him so well, had for ages now. Nothing changed at all]

Sounds nice. Anything specific you want to eat?

[Hayato thought for another moment, then beamed]

How about that dango stuff?!

[Ever since Ryuutaro had taken care of him as a child he had grown rather fond of the food. He laughed a little, this all seemed so... normal. The person who he loved and who had accepted him was going to cook for him! He would be eating in the presence of family now. A light blush lit up his cheeks and he could feel his stomach flutter with excitement]

[Ryuutaro stared at Hayato for a moment again. He seemed so happy... Ryuutaro liked seeing him like this, but it did hurt right now. Regardless, he smiled.]

As you wish. It's easy to make after all.

[Surely in a few weeks he'd be able to fully enjoy moments like this again, he thought as he reached for the flour]

[Hayato contently plopped himself on a chair to watch Ryuutaro cook]

I'd help if I could... but I'm really bad in the kitchen... I mean... I feel sorta bad that you're just cookin' for me...

[He really did want to do something to help, it seemed like a fun thing to do... but between the amount of dishes he would break, and him getting distracted and messing something up... sitting back was probably for the better.]

[Ryuutaro shrugged and grinned a bit, mixing the flour up with water to get the right mix.]

As long as you're not completely taking this for granted, I have no problem at all with doing it.

[Appreciate was naturally a key-point here. Ryuutaro was far from being some sort of maid, after all. Then again that was the last thing he'd worry about right now]

[Hayato got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around Ryuutaro's middle, nuzzling his face into his boyfriend's cheek.]

Thanks.

[Not words he expressed often, but right now felt like a good time. It was a bit obscure whether he meant it about the food, or for accepting him... but he didn't care. He would gladly thank Ryuutaro for both.]

I know that I... well... it's hard for me to say how I feel... I mean... every time I do they either leave or throw me away... but I'm going to try. I want to be able to tell you that I...

[He blushes and fidgets awkwardly for a moment]

Y-y'know....

[Ryuutaro shivered at the touch, but then he leaned back a bit. For a moment his hands stopped moving and he closed his eyes, leaning against Hayato. Everything was normal. Better than normal. He just had to tell himself over and over again]

I'll wait.

[Because that was what he would do, wouldn't he? Ryuutaro wanted to make sure himself.]

I... want to hear it sometime.

[He did. Even if he knew now, maybe then this would feel fully alright again... maybe... Who had he become? Ryuutaro forced the thought away once again]

[That shiver.... but... it was nothing. He said it was okay. He would have told him if it wasn't. Maybe he was just a little scared, and he had told him to chase after him if he started pulling away- so that's what he would do. Just like Ryuutaro told him to.]

I'll make it special, I promise!

[He smiled and leaned down to give Ryuutaro a peck on the cheek]

37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video|private text][backdated to monday morning]

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