badfic_manor | 37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video|private text][backdated to monday morning]

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37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video|private text][backdated to monday morning]

[The feed comes on to a rather dour looking silver haired teen, scowling at a little furry creature in front of him on the table. While usually he would be all kinds of excited to see a strange animal being a shameless occult nerd, after last week he felt that it was replacing his mother. So many people had just up an vanished lately, including about everyone he knew from home. While there was no complaint about Belphor or Mukuro's disappearance, his boss and even Lambo hit him rather hard... and right now the only thing to really take out his frustrations on was the stupid furball in front of him.]

The hell are you even supposed to be?

[The creature only cooed and toddled over to Hayato happily expecting a petting, unfortunately the teen wasn't exactly in a 'petting' sort of mood and just flicked the thing in the face with his finger. As it toppled over backward the teen noticed the blackberry recording.]

Tch!

[And with that he turned off the feed.]

[Private to Ryuutaro]

hey, i was just wondering if you're busy.

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[Ryuutaro knew. He would've like to hear it, but even without that he had no doubts about Hayato's feeling towards him. The kiss was enough for now.
Ryuutaro closed his eyes immediately, arms wrapping around Hayato a bit more tightly.
For a moment and just a moment the prior worries left him as well. In this relationship he really seemed to be stuck in a roller coaster all the time ~~and Ryuutaro didn't even like amusement parks~~.

As they broke apart after some time he just smiled slightly. He didn't know what he even would want to say after these three words.]

[It took Hayato a few minutes to calm himself down enough to try and think how to make the transition from this amazing moment to... what he was going to. He felt so light and happy, and everything seemed okay, but he was worried that maybe telling Ryuutaro would make him change his mind. It was something he needed to know though.

He made an effort to slow his tears, but every time he ran those three words through his head the tears just came to his eyes. At least now he had managed to get them to fall silently rather than the uncontrollable sobbing. In a brief tender moment he reached his hand up to cup his boyfriend's cheek and stroke it with his thumb. He just stared at Ryuutaro, with a slight smile on his tear-streaked face. This boy loved him. After all they've been through, and all the flaws he'd seen... he loved him. Gathering himself a little he found the strength to finally make the transition.]

I... there's something's I should tell you...

[He was nervous. It was a heavy subject... and Ryuutaro's world was... well he wasn't sure how he would handle it, but if there was anyone who could still accept him regardless of his past it would be Ryuutaro right? That's what you did when you loved someone... and hopefully he won't find something he doesn't like and leave him. This... was going to be hard.]

[Ryuutaro nodded slowly and smiled a little.]

Then do. I'm listening.

[He sat down on the bed again, tugging on Hayato's hand a bit so that he'd do the same. Whatever this exactly was about it sounded serious and it sounded like it would take some time. He was fully filling to listen with all the attention he had.
All this time he had been aware that they were still things about Hayato that he didn't know and he hoped that now he'd get a bit more clarity. Naturally he knew how hard the stories from Hayato's past could be and he was almost a bit afraid... But by loving him Ryuutaro'd taken all this upon his shoulders either way. He couldn't close his eyes from it.]

[He took a seat next to Ryuutaro and was silent for a moment as he continued to try and work up the nerve to tell his story. He bit his lip and fidgeted anxiously for a bit, feeling awkward about being so quiet as he mentally prepared himself.]

S-sorry... I... I've never told anyone this before... i-it's sorta hard to start...

[He took a deep breath, he should probably start at the beginning... after he first ran away, that would make sense. He looked down at his lap so he wouldn't have to see Ryuutaro's expression as he recanted his story, in fear of the possibility that he might see him look disgusted.]

Well, when I first ran away... I thought my dad would come lookin' for me. I wanted him to come and tell me what I heard was wrong.... uh... about my mother. I ran away the after hearing the maids talk about it. I waited until the day after next, and I just figured that he didn't know where to find me. I was out of the money I brought too, so I started shoplifting things from the local shops, and trying to pick pockets. I wasn't very good at it though... I remember one of the shopkeepers beat me with a broom pretty bad, and all I remember thinkin' was "Wait until my dad finds out".

[His brows knit together and he scoffs a bit.]

I was out there for a month before it hit me that he knew exactly where I was and he wasn't goin' to come for me. I had to make it to the next town over too, since all the shops knew I was a thief and wouldn't let me in. I heard of a Famiglia in the next town too, I thought if I could prove myself that they'd accept me. Didn't work like I thought it would. They had no use for a spoiled piano-playing rich kid from another family, so I was stuck to pick pocketing and shoplifting. I got good at it though. Eventually I started picking up on other things, like how to jack a motorcycle or a car, picking locks. I could get enough money to get supplies to make dynamite charges. Weak ones, but I could open a safe with it. I didn't get a lot of money for my work though... I'd usually work for free a lot of the time if whoever hired me said I would be part of the family if I did it. When I would ask them afterward I was lucky if they just laughed and walked away, they'd usually just beat me up though. Asking to be part of a family didn't really work either. Even if I could work to do odd jobs, bein' a bastard with a Japanese mother isn't exactly looked well on in the Mafia. I remember one time... the guys took my shoes and threw them in a river and said if I could go get them they'd let me in the family. I couldn't swim at the time but I tried anyway. Stuff like that happened a lot. I was lucky that I at least had enough sense to more or less avoid the nasty old bastards that tried to cope a feel.

[He shuddered a bit, it still made his blood run cold remembering them, but then he let out a sigh and continued. Wordlessly blessing the 'stranger danger' he had drilled in him from a young age]

Once I hit ten, I was still sleeping outside, and had jumped around to a few towns on the island. People started to know who I was and what I did, so I got a little more work. Enough to keep me fed and well supplied. I started making stronger dynamite, and started getting tougher jobs. That's when I pulled my first hit... it went off okay, I disrupted the event I was supposed to, but I got caught... so I didn't get paid. I guess that's when I started gettin' more bitter? I dunno, it's when I started demanding money for jobs even if they said I could be part of the family. Started picking fights then too... I just... didn't like people. It didn't matter who or why... even if they just bumped into my I would flip on them. Though... I was ten... and was too small to do much. I can't even remember how many times I got knocked out cold in some alley, or got beat so bad I could just lay there wonderin' if I was goin' to die there... just some nameless homeless kid with a temper that no one would miss. That happened when I got hungry too. If the shopkeepers knew me too well, and I couldn't get a job I would be out of food for a few days. Y'know if you don't eat long enough you start seein' things?

[He shook his head.]

I started really watchin' for my own ass and no one else's. I would take hits on buildings, events, people, and it didn't matter if they were good people or not. I... messed up a lot of people's lives, some people didn't even do anything. Some guy just didn't like 'em and didn't want to waste the manpower by using one of his own men to do it. Sometimes they really were good people, and I just... pulled the hit anyway because I needed the money. I got better at fighting too, I could hold my own against a couple guys twice my size... they would just... come back with more people later though and I'd end up a bloody mess in an alley again. But I messed a lot of people up. There was one guy, I don't even know if he was comin' after me or not, but I was in a shady part of town and just went off on him. I beat his head in with a pipe that was laying nearby until he stopped moving. I-I don't know if I killed him... I just took off after. That sort of thing happened a lot. I never checked if they were dead... but if you do something like put a bomb under under the podium someone is talking at... if they're not dead then they're at least not going to have anything to walk with after. I'm a hitman... a really good hitman. I know how to kill people, and I've done it for very little... if anything. And I didn't care either. I lived to keep my own ass alive. That's all. I didn't have friends, or family,I was the only person that looked out for me. If the Ninth hadn't gotten me off the streets I would still be doin' it if I wasn't dead.

[he swallowed the lump in his throat and finally looked up at Ryuutaro. He was afraid of what he would see in the other boy's face. Would he be so repulsed by who he was that he would take back those three words?]

Are you... still okay with me?

[The first part of the story didn't surprise Ryuutaro at all and if he was completely honest, neither did the second. He had suspected it, somewhere very deep down, but he'd never ever brought the thought to the surface.
But with his world... Hayato was technically worse than Ryuuga, than Reiji than Daidouji... all of the people Ryuutaro hated and would never go back to in his life, no matter what.
A part of Ryuutaro rejected all this with all it's might. He wanted to run and hide. He had always known Hayato was good with dynamite... he was in the mafia... It... wasn't surprising.
Ryuutaro had grown up between organized crime. His father's yakuza wasn't like mafia in Hayato's world, but he knew that sometimes they could be extremely cruel. And the Dark Nebula...
Ryuutaro knew organized crimne. He heard about Hayato's world... It wasn't surprising.
Yet, hearing it, he couldn't help but imagine it over and over, something he could and at the same time he couldn't.
Now that he knew, really knew, for the first time he was forced to deal with the fact that his boyfriend was not only a criminal - he was used to those - but also a kind of killer.
He felt sick.

While during Hayato's story he had to stop looking at him, he looked over now, his facial expression unreadable, just a bit more pale than usually.
He just needed to know how he felt.
Looking Hayato over, he had to imagine the blood on his hands, metaphorically... It felt weird. And ultimately it didn't change a thing. He felt sick, he felt awful and yet all he wanted to do was let himself be comforted by exactly those hands... while at the same time wanting to run from them.
Ryuutaro was only half-aware of the fact that he didn't say anything for minutes. He just couldn't. There was so much he needed to figure out for himself. This was nothing he could just nod off.
He was actually a person with a rather strong set of morals after all.
'If I had known this before... or if I was who I was when I arrived... I'd leave now and never come back' was a thought that crossed his mind.
But he wasn't, not anymore. The extent to which he had changed only became visible to him now.

Ryuutaro stared at Hayato again, now at his face, his eyes. He loved this person. Even if a part of him wanted to change that, he was unable to.
He loved him. For everything he was right now. He had seen his mind, his thoughts, felt his feelings... He couldn't just stop loving him, not after everything they'd been through.
It'd take him some to get used to this ... but he knew he had to. If he didn't, he'd regret it every single day.
So slowly and shakily he nodded.]

...y-yes. You're you now. I know who you are now. That's what counts to me.

[Ryuutaro felt as if he had crossed some invisible border. He couldn't ever return to who he had been, not anymore.

Edited 2012-02-15 21:26 (UTC)

[The minutes it took for Ryuutaro to answer felt like the longest eternity possibly to the teen. What if he wasn't okay with it? What if he left him? What if he hated him so much for who he was and what he had done that he couldn't even stand being his friend anymore? What if by telling him, he had done something horrible and hurt Ryuutaro? His hands clutched the fabric of his pants to try and keep from trembling, his own face want a shade paler, and sweat coated his forehead. He was so frightened...

And then... he was... accepted. For everything he was. Ryuutaro knew everything. More than any other person did. He was still a person worth loving. Tears welled up in the teen's eyes and he let out a choked laugh. It was okay. He was so relieved and just happy. He had done bad things, but he was still worth being loved. He couldn't even begin to describe what a wonderful feeling it was to be valued as a person like this.

He was so happy he couldn't help but fling his arms around Ryuutaro and pulled him into another tight hug, placing a peck on his cheek and nuzzling against his face. He couldn't even express the feeling in words, all he knew was that he was somewhere between laughing and crying. He felt like maybe he could try to move forward now. That by telling Ryuutaro everything and still being accepted finally closed a horrific chapter of his life. For once he felt that regardless of what he had done, he couldn't bring himself to loathe himself again, because someone loved him anyway. If he hated himself while someone that knew everything loved him... then he would be doing wrong by the person who loved him.]

Thank you... Th-thank you so much Ryuutaro...

[Seeing Hayato laugh like this with these tears made Ryuutaro feel like he was being suffocated. He loved this person. He loved him so much and seeing him like this meant a lot to him. But at the same time he was just scared and he didn't even know of what.
Hayato was still Hayato, he'd known him for so long, he knew everything there was to him now. There was no reason to be scared, to feel this weird, no reason at all. It was past, over and done with...
As Hayato hugged him he didn't move away, even if for a second he wanted to. But there was no way he could let Hayato see how he actually felt.
Ryuutaro was almost fully certain that he wanted to keep all they had and if he let Hayato see... He'd react so badly. And Ryuutaro did want to see him happy. Just that at this moment he wished he could leave the room to get his thoughts under control as well as the dizzy and nauseous way his body felt.
At least he wasn't shaking more than a bit though, at least that.
Ryuutaro forced a smile, like he did so well, and leaned into Hayato a bit.

The same comforting warmth... He wanted to run and hide and he wasn't sure if it was from Hayato or just from himself. But at the same time he was content staying there. Ryuutaro closed his eyes for a small moment. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so lost.]

[In his elation he didn't completely register that Ryuutaro wasn't returning the hug, between this and the day he was invited into the Vongola it was hard to tell which day was the best. He was willing to overlook the lack of returned affections for now, after all, Ryuutaro said it was okay. What reason was there not to believe him?

It took him some time before he pulled back and finally got himself together. His face was red and irritated from the tears, but he still had the biggest smile on his face.

He took Ryuutaro's hands and his and stood from the bed, tugging to get Ryuutaro to follow. He wanted to do something with him, he didn't know what yet, but he was so happy and excited he needed to just do something to let it all out. Even if it was just doing something as simple as walking around.]

S-so you want to grab breakfast or something?

[Ryuutaro blinked and for a moment he thought he was falling down a hole. Of course he wouldn't have any time alone now. And food? He wasn't sure if he could eat any.
But he stood up regardless and nodded with a small smile. At least an excuse came to his mind in due time.]

I've been up for a while now, I don't need any, but we can go and get some for you.

[Danger of eating and actually being the one to throw up: avoided. Relieved about that, Ryuutaro closed his fingers around Hayato's. He loved him. And he was really cute like this... it was all fine... ]

[Hayato just kept that beaming smile on his face and turned to leave when he remembered the little fluffy thing he was passive aggressively bullying earlier. He glanced on the table to see the little ball of fluff pouting at him.]

Well if we're gettin' food, I should probably feed that little guy too.

[He walked over and picked it up to place on his shoulder before taking Ryuutaro's hand again so they could go downstairs downstairs.]

[It took Ryuutaro a whole lot of seconds to even remember that these things existed. He looked over at his, which had just entertained itself by playing with a bit of dust and nodded at it to follow. It was all the could bring himself to do right now.
The walk downstairs he spent in silence, taking a moment to clear up his head further.
Spinning things around any longer wasn't going to help him manage until he was alone]

[Gokudera cast a few curious glances Ryuutaro's way, not that he expected him to say anything... he couldn't really find words himself right now. Something just felt a little weird, but it was probably nothing. Ryuutaro said it was okay, and Ryuutaro told him to trust him so he would. Besides! He said he loved him! Everything was okay!

Once they arrived at the kitchen, Gokudera gave Ryuutaro a peck on the cheek and separated. He knew full well that he was a scourge in the kitchen, and food was best left up to Ryuutaro. He takes the break to pick up the little furry thing in his hands, it still looked at him a bit warily, but seemed to enjoy the ride.]

Hmmm.... think I should give it a name?

[It was kind of cute... it would probably disappear at the end of the week... so he shouldn't get attached... but....

...it was really, really cute... and a UMA.]

[Ryuutaro didn't feel like he had any sort of concentration to deal with these... whatever they were. Opening the kitchen cupboard, he glanced back at Hayato and shrugged slightly.]

I suppose you could... Maybe it'll not be useful in the long run, but calling it might be easier.

[Same went for his own one, but his head was definitely filled with other things than naming small fluffy things right now.]

[His face scrunched up in thought as he looked at the little light brown furball. Well, naming it 'Tsuna' might be a little weird... and confusing. Maybe 'Tuna'? It would be like naming it after his boss, without actually naming it after his boss... but the names were so similar there could still be some mix up. So... in Italian!]

Tonno!

[He nodded and set it back on the table, watching it curiously as it simply stared at the big silver-haired weirdo before it. The teen had so many plans for this little guy! Just to find out what he was!]

[Ryuutaro watched Hayato and the now-named Tonno for a short moment. It was hard to believe this boy had... Ryuutaro stopped this train of thought. It was ridiculous to reduce him to that and the last thing Ryuutaro wanted.
This was still Hayato, he knew him so well, had for ages now. Nothing changed at all]

Sounds nice. Anything specific you want to eat?

[Hayato thought for another moment, then beamed]

How about that dango stuff?!

[Ever since Ryuutaro had taken care of him as a child he had grown rather fond of the food. He laughed a little, this all seemed so... normal. The person who he loved and who had accepted him was going to cook for him! He would be eating in the presence of family now. A light blush lit up his cheeks and he could feel his stomach flutter with excitement]

[Ryuutaro stared at Hayato for a moment again. He seemed so happy... Ryuutaro liked seeing him like this, but it did hurt right now. Regardless, he smiled.]

As you wish. It's easy to make after all.

[Surely in a few weeks he'd be able to fully enjoy moments like this again, he thought as he reached for the flour]

[Hayato contently plopped himself on a chair to watch Ryuutaro cook]

I'd help if I could... but I'm really bad in the kitchen... I mean... I feel sorta bad that you're just cookin' for me...

[He really did want to do something to help, it seemed like a fun thing to do... but between the amount of dishes he would break, and him getting distracted and messing something up... sitting back was probably for the better.]

[Ryuutaro shrugged and grinned a bit, mixing the flour up with water to get the right mix.]

As long as you're not completely taking this for granted, I have no problem at all with doing it.

[Appreciate was naturally a key-point here. Ryuutaro was far from being some sort of maid, after all. Then again that was the last thing he'd worry about right now]

[Hayato got up from his chair and wrapped his arms around Ryuutaro's middle, nuzzling his face into his boyfriend's cheek.]

Thanks.

[Not words he expressed often, but right now felt like a good time. It was a bit obscure whether he meant it about the food, or for accepting him... but he didn't care. He would gladly thank Ryuutaro for both.]

I know that I... well... it's hard for me to say how I feel... I mean... every time I do they either leave or throw me away... but I'm going to try. I want to be able to tell you that I...

[He blushes and fidgets awkwardly for a moment]

Y-y'know....

[Ryuutaro shivered at the touch, but then he leaned back a bit. For a moment his hands stopped moving and he closed his eyes, leaning against Hayato. Everything was normal. Better than normal. He just had to tell himself over and over again]

I'll wait.

[Because that was what he would do, wouldn't he? Ryuutaro wanted to make sure himself.]

I... want to hear it sometime.

[He did. Even if he knew now, maybe then this would feel fully alright again... maybe... Who had he become? Ryuutaro forced the thought away once again]

[That shiver.... but... it was nothing. He said it was okay. He would have told him if it wasn't. Maybe he was just a little scared, and he had told him to chase after him if he started pulling away- so that's what he would do. Just like Ryuutaro told him to.]

I'll make it special, I promise!

[He smiled and leaned down to give Ryuutaro a peck on the cheek]

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37th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video|private text][backdated to monday morning]

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