badfic_manor | Mary Winchester | 04

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Mary Winchester | 04 | [In Person]

[She couldn't sleep. She hadn't slept properly since she'd arrived...aside from the times John would stay at a motel after their fights, she hadn't slept alone since she was eighteen. Pulling the housecoat tighter around herself, she walked silently through the dark halls. It had become almost ritual to do this at night, walk herself until she was about ready to collapse...it was this or stare at the walls, cried out but unable to rest.

Not caring about where she went, Mary soon found herself staring into the gym. Taking a breath, she stepped inside, a small step for most, but a big one for her. It wouldn't kill her to have a look around, it wasn't like she was doing anything else anyway.

Sitting on the mat, she looked around. Ever since that guard beat the crap out of her, she'd thought about coming here and making herself useful again...she was hesitant though. Part of her wanted to build herself back up like she used to be, to not have to sit back and watch those she loves fight alone, it was beaten down by her other half though. The one that longed for that normalcy she had been denied as a child.

Sighing, she buried her face in her hands. She didn't know what to do. She'd fought so hard to escape having to fight monsters...but was just going to sit back and watch people being slaughtered and beaten when she could have done something to save them?]

...Why am I even here...

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And I didn't like letting you see me sad, you could always tell though. [No matter how hard she tried to hide it, he was simply too observant for his own good.]

[He was just pulling her leg. That's all it was, angels wouldn't care about her or what happened in her life. Not enough to wipe her memories.] I'm just a mortal, Dean...be serious. You didn't think that the fact my memories were conveniently wiped gave you away?

Edited 2011-08-17 01:02 (UTC)

[He's frustrated. Why won't she listen?!] It wasn't about you, it was about me and sam! [......oops. Now shut up, Dean.] Everything. It always was. [Goddamn it, you just told yourself to shut up.]

Edited 2011-08-17 02:10 (UTC)

[Why was he pushing this?!] ...You and Sam? That...it doesn't make sense. If the angels didn't want us to meet, they wouldn't have brought you back. [She was getting upset, he was sticking to this too hard to be lying, yet it just didn't make sense to her.]

An angel chick called Anna went Glenn close, and she went back to 1978, while you were still pregnant with me. Long, Long story short, michael burned her up, and made you forget meeting me and Sam so that you'd still go into that nursery; so that me and him would still start hunting; so that everything happened the damned same.

[he sighed] you were right, mom. Angels were watching over us. But they're Dicks. [With one notable exception]

[She didn't understand. Of course, the boys would be excellent hunters, the zombie week proved that well enough, but so good that the angels themselves took notice? Even demanded it. They were her children and she loved them dearly, but what made them so different from any other hunter on the job?]

So I've heard.

Look...I don't think you're lying, I just don't see what makes you different from other hunters. Besides the fact you're not human anymore, you're no different from anyone else.

[No. Why would you say that?! the answer comes unbidden and unwanted.] Because I'm the sword of Michael, and Sammy's Lucifer's prom suit. Me and Sam are their true vessels. Basically, they spent almost a year tearing me and Sam apart to agree to be worn as their dinner jackets to the apocalypse.

[don't ask him what happened. Please. he can't.... he has to see it every time he sleeps, near enough. don't make him say it.]

[Dropping his shoulder, Mary leaned back, horror quickly spreading across her face with each word. So that was why Sammy had been possessed by Lucifer when she arrived? ...it couldn't be true...]

The apocalypse? You two were vessels for the apocalypse?

[She really had to stop leaving her room. Every time she did, she found out things she'd never wanted to know. It only got worse each time, she didn't think she could take much worse than this though.]

Tell me you didn't agree, please! Don't tell me that you let them use you against each other like that!

Well, kind of? [He should just leave. Just turn around and leave. But instead he's finding himself talking. Damn it all.]

Sam said yes, but so that he could break free and [He stops for a minute looking pained. He starts again] so that he could jump in the pit. I was going to say yes to Michael before that - I hit rock bottom pretty much after heaven - but then I didn't. For Sam. Michael ended up wearing our half-brother Adam to the prom - not as good as me, but still good enough, apparently.

[Taking all of this in like a champ, she listened with a neutral face. Maybe it was a good thing she was dead before all of this. If she'd had to be there, she wouldn't have been able to hold it together as well as him. Honestly, she was surprised he hadn't gone insane...

She had been taking it very well...until he got to the end. Adam? Frowning, a hurt expression crossed her features.]

...you don't...have a half brother...

[Not that she hadn't wanted John to move on if she died, but...to have another son? He wouldn't have done that, not when he already had two that he was forcing into hunting. Any way she thought about his options, they all seemed cruel..]

Yeah, we do. It was a small thing Dad had during a hunt, as far as we can gather. But Adam had no idea about hunting until the angels roped him in as bait. He grew up in his apple pie life with his mom, Dad saw him once a year to take him to a baseball game, and that was about it. [Seeing the hurt look, he just couldn't seem to stop freaking talking. Damn it, Damn it, DAMN. and, the worst thing? He just couldn't stop a little bitterness creeping into his voice at the end.

I mean: He grew up with his mom. He saw dad, okay, once a year, but when it was, he wasn't a drill sergeant, he was just a dad. Even if it was a crappy one. He didn't resent Adam... but it also wasn't fair.]

[...so her kids were forced to grow up too soon and the child from his one night stand got a normal life.] That wasn't fair...to any of you. Sam and yourself were forced into this hell, Adam was raised without a real father...your father could be difficult to live with, but I never imagined things would turn out to be like this.

I promise you. If I'm sent back home, if I can do anything at all to change things, I will. Even if there have been times I doubt what you tell me about being my son, I still care for you. [...She should just stop talking and leave. She couldn't stop though, even with seeing the Impala and the random bits of information, there was still a part of her that didn't or refused to believe what she was told.]

[He couldn't stop the deeply hurt look that passed over his face. of course she doubted. You know, cursed to tell more of the truth than he wanted... and she had doubts still. He turned away from her.]

If I had any say in it, I'd be lying my ass off. I want you to be happy, and not have any of this to worry about. And none of this is fair. Me and Sam had this dumped on us, and was expected to just keep on trucking.

But I was... trying too keep you safe. I know it'll probably send me to the nuthouse in the end. I wanted to try and keep all of that from you. But it's fine. You know, There were [Stop talking now, Dean] so many nights that I wanted someone... no, I wanted you... to take care of me for a change. I'd give Sam the last bit of food, and deep down, even though I know it's frigging stupid, I half-wished you open the motel door and bring some damned pie or tomato-rice soup like you used to make me when I was ill, and your mom used to make you. I can't even bring myself to listen to a Beatles song anymore; Especially not "hey Jude", because it was your favourite and you'd hum it in place of a lullaby.

but it's fine. I guess... it's only natural that there's doubt. So long as you care, it's all okay.... not. [He can't help it. He needs to shut up; and shut that little selfish voice in his head up. He needs to leave. He starts making his way towards the door, almost visibly Sagging, and about ready to fall apart. which he wanted to do alone.]

[She hadn't wanted that to slip out, least of all right now, not when they were in the middle of this obviously damned plot. The truth just seemed to be coming out whether she wanted to stop it or not...

Her heart was breaking as he spoke. She just wanted to hold him and tell him that she didn't mean any of it. She couldn't though, of course there was doubt. Not two months ago, he was a sweet little four year old, tugging on her skirt as she cooked in their home. Now, he was a fully grown vampire, as deadly and lethal as any other. It hurt to see what her words did to him, he was obviously breaking apart as badly as she was, if not a bit more.

If he was her son, she only went from a younger child to an older one...he went years without her in his life. What was worse than living without her, her words seemed like she was denying him now, finally back in his life after he'd watched her die.

Sitting still where she was, she watched him walk away, his heart seeming to fall and shatter on the floor as he moved slowly to the exit.

...To hell with it. She couldn't let things end like this. Doubt or not, he'd been there for her and helped her when she needed it. She wouldn't let him break alone. If he broke, then they broke together, as a family.

Walking up behind him, she put her hand on his shoulder as she moved to stand in front of him.]

You didn't let me finish. I said 'there have been times' not all the time. Your emotions are real...and I doubt a monster would take the time to learn as much about me as you did.

There are some days I don't want to believe you're my son, because then it means that all your suffering has been my fault. If I didn't die, you'd be living this 'apple pie life' that I can tell you want so badly. It's selfish of me, but I honestly can't get through some days if I don't believe it.

The other days though, I'm proud to call you my son. Because you've grown into a strong and brave young man, the kind any mother would be proud to call her own.

[Her eyes were swimming by this point. All the truths were coming out, she wasn't as perfect as he remembered. She had faults, the same faults she'd hoped he'd never see.]

[He laughs quietly, and it's not humoured, not at all. It's echoes broken-ness. He wasn't strong or brave; he just had a good game face. He wanted her to be proud, but]

Don't be proud. I don't deserve it.

[If this plot makes him bring up the subject of hell? He just might break. God knows there's enough cracks already.]

[She doesn't like that laugh. There's nothing about it that doesn't scream 'cover your ears, you don't want to know!'.]

Dean...I'll always be proud of you. Why would you think I wouldn't? What could you have done that's so bad?

[Damn it all, why did you have to ask?]

What have I done to make you think you should be proud? It doesn't matter what I've done to make you think you should be proud... the bad far outweighs the good.

I couldn't save him, ma. Sam. [his voice wavers, showing just how close to the edge he is] I had to watch him die... could never do a damned thing. [A tear breaks free.] I couldn't stop it as Jake stabbed him in the back, and he literally bled to death in my arms... Should have protected him from Roy and Walt, but couldn't.. Should have... Should have been able to save him before he had to say yes... and jump into hell.

[there's another one of those chuckles, tears that he'#s trying his damnedest to stop flowing freely.] But that's just the icing on the frigging cake. the cake was... In hell. [Listen carefully, you'll be able to hear when he breaks.] I... did bad things. terrible things. I tor- [It cracked, and shuddered to a stop, but apparently the author wasn't letting him finish yet.] I tortured thousands of souls. So many I lost count. For ten years... and... and... I enjoyed it. [It was an almost silent whisper, and he lowered his head. Can't be proud; shouldn't be proud] Which... It... It was the first seal to break... to bring about the apocalypse, too. [He broke, and he broke the world, mom.]

[Her heart was literally breaking at the pain in his voice as he was talking about his past exploits.

She should be upset that he started the apocalypse, that he'd had to watch Sam die...but even in her truth addled brain, she knew in her heart he never meant for any of it to happen. Even that he enjoyed torturing in hell should have been enough to cause her to pause. She didn't care though...if she could accept his new diet, she could accept that, particularly since he was so obviously distraught over what he'd done.

Pulling him down to her shoulder, she stroked his hair gently. She didn't know if there was anything she could do to make this better, to make him see that he'd done what any other person would have done.]

You didn't do anything wrong, angel. You were simply doing the best you could...and you did wonderful.

Do you know what sets you apart from demons? You feel remorse over what you did. You regret what happened.

[Holding him tighter, she hummed a few bars of a familiar tune, one that he should know well. 'Hey Jude'. It was all she could think of that might calm him down.]

[He hadn't listened to that song since she'd died. it tugged at strings he didn't like being tugged, and he put his face in her shoulder, a tear slipping out. He was drowning in truth, truth that hurt.

he listened to her sing, buried against her.]

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Mary Winchester | 04 | [In Person]

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/uses the icon from as He's telling Sam about his exploits in hell

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