badfic_manor | 40TH BOMB || HAYATO GOKUDERA || [IN PERSON]

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40TH BOMB || HAYATO GOKUDERA || [IN PERSON]

[at about noon, a massive wave of heat comes off the walls by front entrance of the library... soon followed the the walls of the library ans whole lot of unusually bright red flames.

From the debris someone can be heard coughing, and a cat yowling angrily. Just before the smoke clear several flashes of light suddenly disappear.]

There, I mastered it... now I am I going to explain this guy to the boss?

[And from the smoke emerges a very battered looking Gokudera, his glasses cracked and hanging off his face, his clothes dirty and covered with debris... and there is a very angry looking cat on his head. Gokudera steps into the hallway waving the smoke away.. then pauses. This wasn't the hallway he was supposed to have unintentionally blown up. A moment later he goes into a cussing fit, kicking the debris around.]

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[Ugh... No matter what, the lingering jealousy towards Tsuna would never leave Ryuutaro. But he followed anyway. He wasn't very exited for a heartfelt reunion of the other two boys, but he didn't want to give Tsuna more time alone with Hayato either.
The disappearance was something he himself had not yet noticed.]

Yes... I'm glad you're back...

[Gokudera happily trotted to Tsuna's room, only to have his happy and cheerful mood abruptly put to a stop. His name was gone. The Tenth had left him behind again. Gokudera swallowed. He had just come back... and he was stronger... he could protect his boss, but now he didn't have a boss to protect. And the Tenth had just come back...

Now all his friends from home were gone... the friends he had seen just a few days ago before he locked himself up in the library. He hadn't even talked to them. Not even the Tenth... he didn't get to say goodbye...]

H-he's gone again...

[Ryuutaro had no idea how to even react to that statement. It was difficult... For one he was a bit relieved. No hugs, nothing bad he had to see now. (It wasn't that Ryuutaro necessarily had to keep Hayato all to himself... But Tsuna was the only serious competition he had and Ryuutaro half-heartedly wished he wouldn't exist at all).
Then again, he knew how crushed this would leave his boyfriend, because even with memory loss, he painfully knew what Tsunayoshi meant to him... With this knowledge in mind it was hard to be delighted.]

I'm sorry...

[He wasn't and then again he was. It was complicated.]

[Gokudera's jaw trembled slightly and he could feel his legs shaking a little as well. He just wanted to drop to his knees and scream. It hurt so bad.... but at the same time he remembered how much Ryuutaro disliked his boss... and right now he couldn't take it if he left him like he had before... he couldn't take being alone. He had just lost everything all over again, he couldn't handle losing Ryuutaro too.

So after a few moments of trying to gather himself together Gokudera swallowed the lump in his throat and forced a shaky smile on his face, fighting to keep the moisture out of his eyes.]

W-well... [he cleared his throat to try and gather more strength in his voice] I-I guess that makes things easier... the Tenth is back home... where he should be. I-I-I got nothin' to worry about...

[Ryuutaro would be so glad if he could just believe this and write it off as over and done with... But he couldn't. God, these eyes, this look. It was hard to stand]

You said 'I' three times... That does not indicate you feel very confident about this.

[He smiled. It was meant to look confident and strong, but there was a hint of unsureness]

Hayato... I don't want you to lie here. I want those lies to be true, but that won't happen, will it? So you don't need to do this.

[Still smiling... it's not... that.. hard]

[Hayato just keeps that smile forced on his face and shook his head. He didn't want to break down, not here. Not like this. He didn't want Ryuutaro to see how bad it was.... he didn't want him to know... just how much he wanted to go home right now. That would hurt him. He just couldn't do that...]

I'm fine. [He swallowed again making sure he wouldn't stutter again, though he was still clearly right on the brink of breaking down.] Why don't we do something? It's been a while since I got to see you Tesoro.

[And this hurt just as much. Ryuutaro knew it was a complete lose-lose situation. Having Hayato lie to him like that... It was a disgusting feeling. But at the same time he did not want to know how much Tsuna's disappearance affected Hayato. The one person not even Ryuutaro Fukami could win to... For a short moment Ryuutaro wished Tsuna had never existed... once again. Like he did so often, before recalling that that would have been horrible for Hayato... But if Tsuna hadn't been there... maybe he could somehow have been.
Hayato could have all others, he could even keep that girl as a friend. But not this.
Ryuutaro gave Hayato a long wordless look. He hated this so much, but it wasn't like he could say that out loud.
This was the one choice he could never let Hayato make. Because not even an ego like his could lead him to believe he would win. ]

If that is what you want then I'll gladly stay with you. What do you want to do?

[The word 'replacement' flickered through his mind and Ryuutaro pushed it aside quickly. There it lingered... and never quite left.]

[Hayato gave Ryuutaro's hand a squeeze, and his smile became just a little bit easier. He had this. As long as he had this he could keep himself together.]

M-maybe... we can just go outside for a bit?

[Ryuutaro liked going outside... and right now... being inside made it too easy think about what he had left behind in his world. He just needed to get his mind away from it all. Try to push back the pain like he had done when he first arrived at the manor... and this time he wasn't alone. He could do this... it was just going to hurt.]

That sounds nice. It's really pleasant that spring is coming, so it's not so cold anymore.

[Ah... what was he saying? He hadn't minded the snow either... But it didn't matter. As they walked towards the door he just needed to keep talking, just so that he wouldn't see Hayato's pained face and have to think about it.]

I suggest visiting the lake... A few flowers have started blooming.

[As if Hayato cared for things like this... But the lake was their place. And Hayato needed to forget about Tsunayoshi right now.]

That sounds nice...

[Ryuutaro was right in assuming that it made no difference to Hayato. He silently followed his boyfriend to their spot by the lake. The fresh air did do him some good. He hadn't been able to get out much, if at all, while preparing for the attack on the Millefiore base. actually... the last time he had been outside...]

Y'know... I haven't been able to go outside since I was here last...

[Ryuutaro blinked at the statement, seeming almost shocked]

Really? Why's that?

[He was still cautious about this whole world-thing but what choice did he have other than believing in it for now?]

The first time I got taken here... it was right after I got interrogated by someone.... i-it was my own fault.... I had gotten scared and started acting out. We're kind of in a mess back home... that was the last time I was outside. But instead of wakin up in the infirmary, I woke up here.

[Hence the fresh injuries he had when he had first met Ryuutaro.]

After, we were hidin' out in the underground Vongola base, so we wouldn't be discovered... It's been a few weeks. I got healed up... and started trainin' to try and figure out a new weapon.

[He let out a sigh]

I locked myself in the library for two days... I didn't talk to any of the other guardians or the Tenth... I just figured out how to work the Systema C.A.I... I haven't seen any of them for two days....

[He looked down.]

I never got to say goodbye...

[Well, it wasn't like Ryuutaro could understand all of this. As far as he was concerned the belonged right at the Manor after all. Had this been any other person he really would not have tried to wrap his head around it at all, but it was Hayato. And he really didn't look good. Ryuutaro pulled him down so they could sit, leaning against a tree, and watch the water.]

It's not like it is your fault at all, Hayato. You could not have known about all this could you?

[Ryuutaro leaned against his boyfriend, feeling awkward. Another world, huh...? Weird.]

[Hayato went along with Ryuutaro's guiding tugs and took a seat next to him. Contently nuzzling against his boyfriend when he was leaned on.]

I-I guess not... b-but I could have at least gotten to see them one more time...

[What was worse was that he had all but completely forgotten about his boyfriend when he had gone home. Why... why hadn't the author let him come back with him?! It wasn't fair! They were supposed to be together! He just... he just didn't want to have to decide between the boy h fell in love with and his home and family...]

[Ryuutaro didn't think he understood that, not until he imagined how it would be to leave Hayato without getting to say goodbye... and as he imagined that he could only think that he rather wouldn't have.]

If it's like you say... they might come back here. It will be alright.

[Or Hayato could leave again. But no. No, that was not an option at all.]

I... I know I shouldn't hope so... since they are all better off at home... but I do...

[He pulled Ryuutaro a bit closer, finding comfort in his presence.]

That's... pretty selfish of me, isn't it?

And if it was?

[Ryuutaro knew about selfishness. He was doing it all the time after all.]

I don't think anybody would consider it a crime for you to be selfish for once. Besides... you're wishing for your friends to be there. Is that really so selfish?

[It was less selfish than Ryuutaro had ever been in his life and he was aware of the fact, albeit not ashamed.]

[He squirmed a bit awkwardly, it felt strange to hear Ryuutaro talk like this, and just tell him what he was feeling was okay. He had almost forgotten just how accepting of him Ryuutaro was... that still didn't help his guilt complex though.]

Well, they've got things to do at home... and they're probably safer there.

[He leans down a little to plant a kiss on Ryuutaro's cheek]

But thank you.

...you're welcome.

[Ryuutaro still felt bad about this whole thing though. Hayato had been gone... he was back, but there were all these other people. And they were from different worlds. It seemed like such a far distance. And he couldn't even remember anything about himself and how his life in his apparent world had been...]

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40TH BOMB || HAYATO GOKUDERA || [IN PERSON]

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