badfic_manor | Fate 26 -◘[In Person]◘- Louder than thunder (I know I could be better)

[After his little chat with Temari, Hayato had taken to looking for his boyfriend... worried that Temari might have done something. Hayato knew Ryuutaro liked being outside... and as much as he just wanted to forsake the outdoors for the rest of the god damn week... everyone he knew just thought snow was just the place to be. But he would stick it out for Ryuutaro... hmm maybe he should have brought and extra jacket for him, just in case or something? Oh well, he could just have the one he was wearing.

And then he just about near had a frigging heart attack. Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit! What if his powers were fucking up somehow?! Aw FUCK! He should have been watching him more closely or-

Oh god what the fuck was going on his his head?! He let out a little grunt and decidedly ignored the pain. Really... this was nothing compared to what Gamma put him through back home. So he pushed himself to Ryuutaro and without even thinking or worrying about if was all right he just flung his arms around the boy in a hug. The only thing running through his mind was worry, mentally pleading and begging for Ryuutaro to be okay]

[Ryuutaro had not even felt Hayato's presence approaching, because in his brain there was nothing but pain anymore, he'd been like this for quite a while after all.
It was power-draining, both, the attack itself and keeping it up.
But at least he now knew how it must feel to others.

But as Hayato was suddenly touching him he twitched in shock and his eyes widened.]

...Pisces... s-stop...

[And immediately the world returned, the headache went away and it left just two boys and a softly rotating spinning top.
Ryuutaro's body relaxed a bit and he took his hands of his head]

I-... I'm fine... don't worry.

[He sounded still a bit pained and out of breath though]

[And for a moment Hayato just held him tighter, even after everything stopped, trying to will his rapid heartbeat to slow down. He was so worried... so scared. He couldn't lose Ryuutaro, oh god what would he even do if something happened to him!? And what would bring him to do something like this?! H-how bad was he hurting to... just...Why hadn't he gotten here earlier to help him!? Maybe he had done something wrong to drive him to this?! H-he had to fix it, he would do anything...

Hayato couldn't help but to just be so scared.

But he knew that Ryuutaro would be uncomfortable like this... he should have thought of that before he just rushed in. It was a stupid move. What if he had been under attack?! He should have thought it through! H-he couldn't even protect his own boss... and now... he could have failed Ryuutaro too. He couldn't keep making these mistakes...

Reluctantly... he let go of Ryuutaro, and just looked at him with the most horrified and worried expression his face could muster.]

R-Ryuutaro... what's goin' on?! Wh-what happened!?

[And he hoped Ryuutaro would answer... he wanted to fix it! To right whatever wrong he had done....]

[And Ryuutaro just stared at Hayato for a moment, wondering about his thoughts. Why did he always think it was him, when it wasn't? Not at all...
He needed a moment to properly catch his breath and pick Pisces up before he replied]

It's not your fault.

[He put Pisces back into his pocked and sighed a bit]

I was trying to practice... that's all...

[RIGHT. MINDREADING. th-that was... kind of embarrassing... but Ryuutaro already learned about what he thought about himself during truth week. So there really wasn't any harm in it... Gokudera knew he didn't have many secrets with him any more. Nothing that he would think about often at least.

Hayato gently reached forward and moved a tussled stray lock of hair out of Ryuutaro's face. The teen's face betrayed none of his worry. This was hardly different than the time he had nearly killed himself trying to train for the ring battles. He vividly remembered just looking at his burned and bloody body, nearly broken from how hard he had pushed himself, and discovering that he hadn't seen the value of his own life. This may not have been life or death but he almost felt something click in him for a moment. This is what the Tenth meant when he made Gokudera follow that promise. This is what he meant when he asked-]

What are you fighting for?

[Hayato's worry had faded and replaced with a stern resolution. He had finally come to an understanding of something very important, rather than just following an order blindly.]

[That flashback moment shocked Ryuutaro, but he held back any comment on it. He didn't want to read Hayato's memories after all and since he knew how Hayato had been in truth week he figured it would be better to not talk about anything from the past he saw in Hayato's mind.

And then that question comes up and he just stared blankly for a moment. What was he...? Himself. He'd been fighting for himself, because he was special and because he could reach the very top.
But that was in the past. And the way Hayato was looking at him right now, he knew he had to be honest. Everything else just wouldn't do]

I want to keep up with this world... I.... you...
I don't want you to have to risk so much for protecting me. I can do better than that... I can....

[Just that maybe he couldn't and that thought was horrifying.]

I don't fight to get stronger.

[And he had forgotten that earlier when he was practicing. That was why he failed.]

I fight so that tomorrow I can laugh together with everyone who's important to me. If something happens to me then all that won't mean anything.

[He reached up to cup Ryuutaro's cheek with his hand. For the moment, Ryuutaro's dislike of being touched didn't matter. He needed this. Physical reassurance.]

I gave my life for you because I knew I would be alright. I knew that I would come back and you would be here waiting for me with everyone else, and no matter how much it hurt, or how scared I was, it would be okay.

[And he didn't regret his decision at all. Yes, it had caused a lot of people pain, but he would recover. He's had so many close encounters with death that he could just spite it in the end. Ryuutaro was so much more gentle than he was, not filled with the anger and bitterness at the world for all the pain it had caused him like Hayato was. If Ryuutaro had died that would have changed. Death wasn't something that a person was supposed to experience like Hayato had. Those days on the streets when he had been so hungry he had collapsed, or when he had gotten beaten up so badly all he could do was lay on the ground bloody and too pained to move. There had been so many times he just recklessly thrown himself into harms way, knowing full well his life could be forfeit in an instant. The poisoned food his sister made. Guns pointed to his head. Faulty dynamite that hadn't done what it was supposed to. When he had tried to kill the Tenth. Training for the ring battles. The fight with Belphegor. The torture and interrogation by Gamma. The day he lost his leg because of Gaara. And countless more times. He could face death. He had been outrunning it for so long, he knew it would be only a matter of time before it caught up to him. So what? It finally won one. Hayato could recover, he wasn't normal like everybody else- and that was why he could die in Ryuutaro's place. Ryuutaro deserved to keep that innocence he had about the world. He was special. More special than Hayato could ever find words for. There was no need for him to become as damaged as Hayato had, he loved Ryuutaro just as he was.

Hayato leaned forward until his face was next to Ryuutaro's, and for the first time since the angel had taken his life there was a big honest smile spread on his face.]

... because I have special people who care about me, who I belong with, and who are strong in so many ways I'm not.

[And he pressed his lips to Ryuutaro's cheek in a very loving, but chaste, kiss. This wasn't just about one of them anymore. They weren't alone. They couldn't just recklessly endanger themselves to accomplish something. That was... selfish. It was hard for someone who grew up learning that the only person you should rely on and care about was yourself, Hayato knew. He had needed to think like that to survive, and once he found a purpose and a home he had felt that it outweighed the value of his life since, after all, no one had ever cared about him except himself. He didn't know exactly what Ryuutaro's reasons were for being alone, but there had to be similarities in their thoughts. Why else would Ryuutaro end up doing the exact same thing he had for the Vongola?

They were... going to have to try and understand how the other was feeling now, and take those feelings into consideration before acting...]

[Ryuutaro's eyes were wide open for a moment he couldn't speak at all. Even if he had tried, there would have been nothing, no sound to come out of his mouth at all.
What Hayato said was so good, so true, but until a moment ago Ryuutaro would not have understood it.
Fighting was for getting stronger, stronger and stronger, an upwards spiral to success. A road to take without thinking about what to do once the end was reached.
But now Hayato of all people proved him wrong, made him understand what he had failed to see even when Ginga lived it right in front of him.
This was still different though.

And to think he was... he had...

Ryuutaro could feel how his legs just started to shake. He'd been feeling so awful for all the things Temari said to him... and she even had his abilities.
He'd just... he was...

He hadn't even been thinking. There had just been this feeling of not wanting to lose to the Author, to Temari, to anybody.

And now it was Ryuutaro's turn to try not to cry. He didn't even know what it was, but right now he felt wanted, stupid, common, special, sad and happy all in once.
He nodded, very slowly, almost careful, as if a faster movement might trigger something he couldn't know about]

I...

[He'd been trying to be strong all these weeks and now that Hayato said this, that he could feel this, somehow he couldn't anymore. Not after having seen this smile.
He smiled back, his eyes slightly wet, but no tears falling. Just like Hayato he wouldn't let that happen, even though he wanted to.]

I'll...

[He trailed off, just letting himself fall forward against Hayato's chest. At this point he didn't even care anymore. He was tired, he was a mess and he needed this right now.
He had no idea where to go from here on, where he even was in first place, but right now it felt only half-bad]

[And Hayato pulled back from the kiss and wrapped his arms around Ryuutaro into a tight hug as he leaned forward. They weren't alone now. He had an amazing, special, beautiful boy who cared about him, and worried about him here in his arms. And as he leaned his head on top of Ryuutaro, after seeing his boyfriend's eyes welling up- he could feel his own doing the same again. They were feeling the same thing. Ryuutaro understood him in a way he knew no one else could...

... so maybe... just this once... it was okay. He wasn't crying because he was sad or upset he was just... really relieved and happy. So as he leaned his head on his boyfriend's, nuzzling against the soft feeling of his hair, Hayato's shoulders started to tremble and a sob escaped- but thought Ryuutaro couldn't see it, the smile never left his face.

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that neither of them knew what to do next, but Hayato was fine with that. They could just take it one day at a time. He... didn't feel as scared about this as he had before...]

[Ryuutaro closed his eyes and as soon as he did he could feel his eyelashes sticking together from warm tears.
Hayato was crying... he was allowing himself to. Maybe he was right. Maybe this was really alright, just once, just today.
If even Hayato... if...
Ryuutaro wrapped his arms around Hayato, clinging to the fabric of his clothes. He'd feel so awkward later, he knew and yet...
He couldn't bring himself to move away, do anything else than just stay right where he was. He felt warm liquid on his face and as soon as he noticed he couldn't hold it back anymore.
All these weeks he'd been trying not to cry. Trying so hard, harder and harder until it left an almost metallic taste in his mouth. Holding on and on...
And now he could let go because that was fine.
There was a lot of tension to fall of him, not all of it, but still enough to make him feel a lot lighter afterwards.

Maybe this had been what they needed. It had always been just one of them to cry, one of them to be there and try to make it better. This time it was both of them and it was not bad at all.
There was a lot of pain they'd gone through together, it only made sense for them to slowly get rid of it together again.]

[It took Hayato some time before his urge to cry finally subsided. He had not bothered to fight it at all. Why? He was safe here with Ryuutaro, and Ryuutaro was safe here with him. After everything they had been through- just fuck the world, if they wanted to fucking cry they were going to fucking cry.

And once he was sure the last of his tears had fallen, he reached a hand up to the back of Ryuutaro's head and just held him there for a minute so he could just press his lips against the top of his head... maybe as a bit of an apology for the wet spot he had left behind from his tears, maybe as a gesture of comfort, and maybe yet just a bit of both.

It felt good to finally let this all go at last. For both of them. He felt he finally understood what had brought them together. For a while he had feared that Ryuutaro had felt that the relationship had been a mistake brought on by the author, that Ryuutaro had been too proud to admit so he just kept up with it. So Hayato had nearly killed himself worrying and worrying if he was making Ryuutaro happy... of course he was going to keep worrying... that was just how he was, but at least now he knew that this hadn't been any sort of mistake. They were together because they were more alike then they realized.]

[Ryuutaro felt awkward now. Awkward, but also a whole lot better than before and fairly comfortable.
Just for the moment he was not scared of being this close anymore, it was close enough for this. He could feel Hayato's thoughts and even if he got confused and almost angry about his past insecurities, they were gone now and that was fine with him.
Even if he hated hearing all other voices in his head, hearing Hayato's was not this bad.

Thinking about it, it wasn't like he could not be blamed for having thoughts about the reason for their relationship. But now he knew, they both knew, and that was good.
There had been a reason. There was always a reason.
Maybe he'd have liked fate a bit more again, just maybe and if he had his ability this week.]

You are.... making me happy, I mean.

[Even if he had not wanted to reply to Hayato's thoughts, right now he couldn't help it. He wanted to say something positive and it was just right there.]

[There's only a brief moment of surprise- it would take some getting used to someone just knowing his thoughts, but that is quickly pushed aside at Ryuutaro's words. In it's place is just this sudden swelling of happiness and even pride. He felt so light. He was happy too!

He... made someone happy. He was so used to making people angry, or scaring them away, or disappointing them. Not for a lack of trying of course! He just... usually got too enthusiastic and caused problem for everyone... but now... now he actually did something right!

He pulled back a little so he could look at Ryuutaro's face. Hayato's own face was red and puffy from the tears, but still had on the brightest most hopeful smile.]

R-really? Y'mean it?

[A-and ah crap his eyes are welling up again! He was just so happy right now it was easy to get overwhelmed. Not feeling quite up to another round of melodramatic sobbing, he quickly wipes the tears away with his palm.]

[Ryuutaro didn't look pretty either, still pale from exhaustion, make-up blurred by dried tears... But he hadn't realized this just yet, so he didn't care.
He smiled.]

Why wouldn't I? I don't say a lot of things I don't mean.

[Directed at anybody else, this would already have been a thing he didn't mean. Ryuutaro's words were almost always as fake as they could be after all..]

To you, at least.

[Yeah, sounded about right. When it came to Hayato there was nothing he wanted more than to be taken very seriously with every word he said, because for once he found it in himself to be honest]

[Hayato felt kind of honored to be an exception, at least in that sense. He wasn't used to being thought of so... positively. A blush spread across his cheeks.]

Thanks.

[Hayato just instinctively reached his hand up to try and clean up the smudges a bit, getting a bit of the pink make-up on his finger tips. He couldn't help but be reminded of the the first time they kissed... Hayato had fussed over his make-up and surprised himself for it.]

We should probably get back inside...

[It was cold. Ryuutaro didn't look like he was feeling up to par, and if he got sick... well he wouldn't worry about that now. They just needed to go inside, maybe get something warm to drink together.]

[Ryuutaro nodded. And then, when Hayato touched his face, it finally dawned on him how he had to look. Ugh.
This needed to be fixed. Right now.]

Indeed. I probably look horrifying, this requires change...

[But it had to be noted that he made no real attempt to hide his face from Hayato now or anything. He'd figured that it would make no sense at all. There was not much Hayato had not seen already, in terms of deranged looks at least.]

You don't. I still think you look pretty.

[He wanted to say cute... but after the conversation they just had, pretty felt like a better choice of words. Either way it felt accurate. He had seen Ryuutaro with make-up, without make-up, with messed-up make-up, and even buck teeth once. His opinion of him had never changed... well it did change... he got a crush on him... and then...

Hayato gently slipped his hand around the small of Ryuutaro's back, he was a bit worried that his boyfriend might be shaky after pushing himself so hard.]

You think you're alright to make it back in? I wouldn't mind carryin' you.

[It actually might be kind of fun...]

[Still pretty... Ryuutaro huffed a little bit. That wasn't enough he always had to look the best he possibly could and-
...hearing those words felt rather nice though. One way of making Ryuutaro act a bit more ~~tsundere~~ unsure was complementing him on one of the few things he was not completely sure off.

And then there's that question and he just looks very surprised]

A-ah, no, I'm fine.

[A bit shaky maybe, but okay... He'd manage. Even if he had to say, he liked the idea of someone doing this much for him, he was still a boy and still strong enough to walk on his own...]

[Hayato nodded, he wouldn't push it unless Ryuutaro proved to be really unwell. So, while he kept his arm around Ryuutaro, he started heading back to the manor.

And there were no words to describe how glad he was to be indoors and out of the snow. He figured Ryuutaro was going to want to go have a minute alone to fix himself up.]

Hey, I'll get us somethin' to drink, alright? Wanna meet in your room?

[Ryuutaro nodded with a smile]

Alright, see you in a moment then.

[And he's just rushing to the bathroom the moment it's not painfully obvious anymore how much he needs to redo his make-up. But he's really glad that nobody crossed his way before, because that would've been completely embarrassing]

[And as much of a dipshit Gokudera can be in the kitchen, he can, in fact, handle boiling water and mixing hot cocoa powder into it.

So in a few minutes he makes it up to Ryuutaro's room two mugs in hand... which meant he couldn't knock or open the door.]

Hey, Ryuutaro...?

[Luckily enough just this once it had not taken Ryuutaro ages and ages to finish his make-up, because he'd been doing it quickly.
He'd just re-arrived in his room and barely closed the door when Hayato already was back.
It did only take him a few seconds to open the door for him to come in and be able to put those mugs down on the small table]

[Gokudera smiled as he put the mugs down on the table, and took a seat at the table and looked up for Ryuutaro to join him. He was very glad to be inside again. It felt like his face was just starting to thaw out, his cheeks were rosy and pink because of this. It felt nice to be here...]

[While Ryuutaro did not overly mind the cold weather outside, he still had to admitt that being back in a warm room had it's advantages.
It was definitely something better than spending winter outside, only armed with a little mobile heater... Those had always been times when he actually tried to get enough money for hotel rooms and the likes.
He sat down at the table as well. He was physically feeling better, too, by now, even though he was still pale]

I still can't really believe it's already winter.

[And the moment Ryuutaro sat down, Gokudera contently scooted up next to him, so that they were shoulder to shoulder. A big wide smile spread on his face]

Mmm, just a couple more months and I will have been here for a whole year.

[And he takes a happy sip of his hot chocolaty beverage.]

Which means that a couple months after that, we will have known each other for a whole year.

[He ponders on that for a moment]

Ah, I probably missed your birthday didn't I?

[That suck, he wanted to get him something and do something special for him.]

Edited 2011-12-12 07:14 (UTC)

[Ryuutaro put his own cup down and shook his head]

Ah, no, actually you didn't. It's rather soon, on New Years day.

[Another reason why Ryuutaro did not care overly much for it. It just went together with all the festivities going on at that date and he never learned to really celebrate it for himself only]

I'm hoping we'll be somewhere with a shrine around that time...

[And that just made him perk right up. New Year's day? He couldn't help but wonder if that might have had something to do with his abilities... but more importantly- he hadn't missed it! He could still do something special for him! He just needed to figure out what! After all, Ryuutaro had stuck with him on his shitty-ass birthday.

Though, now that he thought about it... he wasn't quite sure what to do. He was going to have to try to think of something Ryuutaro would really want to do... and he still needed to get him something for Christmas too... since it was looking like that's what the Author was going to push on them. Not that he mined, he knew the holiday well, and even if Ryuutaro didn't celebrate it, and he hadn't actively celebrated it since he ran away from home (Christmas at the mansion kind of sucked anyway), he still wanted to give Ryuutaro something!]

That's a pretty badass day for a birthday! I'm glad I didn't miss it!

[And he reached over to place his hand on Ryuutaro's to give it a squeeze. He was excited for everything coming up!]

Is it now?

[Ryuutaro laughed a bit. He'd never really thought about it, but now that he did, he supposed it was fitting for him to be born on that day]

I never really celebrated it. Hatsumode has always been a lot more important. Actually I think I'd usually look more forward to that than to the fact that it's my birthday at all.

[While he was probably a bit biased- being foreign caused him to give little care about the Japanese holidays. He simply made sure he was familiar enough with them to follow the Tenth along and not mess up too badly. Heck, he didn't even pay much mind to European holidays either after he ran away. Holidays actually kind of sucked because everyone was too busy with their families to hire him for hits.

So when it came to a measure of importance, the scales were heavily tipped in Ryuutaro's favor.]

Well, we should do somethin' special then! For your birthday!

[After a moment of running his thumb over Ryuutaro's hands... he notices they're kind of cold. He takes Ryuutaro's hand in his both of his own, rubbing it to try and warm it up.]

Your hand's cold. Here...

[He brought the hand to his mouth and let out a warm breath on it before starting to rub it again.]

[Something special? More special than it being New Years day? Ryuutaro really liked that after all. He'd dress up prettily and search for a less popular shrine where it wouldn't be crowded and make his prayers and buy his good luck charm in peaceful almost-silence and then enjoy seeing all the traditionally dressed people.
After he ran away it had become a routine to work in the afternoon. There were a lot more people caring about their fortunes at such a day. That was maybe a bit stressful, but his abilities being this wanted was also always an amazing feeling.
But it wasn't like it was very likely for all this to be possible at the Manor. And he was really curious about Hayato's idea of something special, too.

And then the hand-thing happened and his previous train of thought hit a wall. He blinked, his eyes widening a bit. This was... this was...
Really close. Somehow it felt even closer than hugging, even if that did not make too much sense.
His heart skipped just one beat, before he caught himself]

It comes with the winter, you know? But thank you...

[He smiled again.]

[Gokudera smiled back, just holding Ryuutaro's hand, wrapped in both of his, for a moment... and then he brought it to his lips to gently kiss his fingers. Then he finally let go and gave Ryuutaro his hand back.

He turns back to his drink and takes a sip of his hot cocoa, blushing to himself as he starts really thinking of things they should do together, when something finally comes to him.]

Y'know... we should.... go on a date sometime too... if the manor takes us somewhere...

[They had been dating since September... yet... they really hadn't done anything that people usually did in a relationship. Granted the whole ordeal in October helped with that... but still...]

[Ryuutaro stared down at his hands for a moment. He was a bit confused, but also positively thrilled. It was like all the work he'd done in the past months just suddenly payed off and rewarded him wonderfully.
That smile wasn't leaving his face and it was honest. Even if a lot of the issues from a while ago were not fixed yet, he could push the thoughts aside and just feel happy for the moment.
It had been so long since they really had good moments like this]

Yes...

[He hadn't even gotten a chance to think about this before... They'd been so stuck in a whirlpool of events]

That sounds like something nice that is long overdue.

*she didn't know what is was that she had this week, but all this new knowledge was there in her head for the asking, and she wanted to go out and play after a day spent in the kitchen making the best damn headache reliever she'd ever seen.

So, outside she went, idly waving her wand to make the snow dance in the air.

It takes her a minute to notice Ryuutaro, and she stops in confusion when she does. Then concern as she realized something's wrong with him. She heads towards him, faltering as she steps into the field and her headache returns.

Thinking past, she spit out a spell to level the air pressure back to normal so she could make sure he was alright*

[Ryuutaro noticed both: A sudden mental presence and the change in air-pressure and looked up. This woman was a stranger to him and he really did not want any strangers involved in this or accidentally harm them, so he immediately let his spinning top, Pisces, jump back into his hand. Immediately everything returned to normal.
Ryuutaro took a moment to catch his breath and then tried a smile]

Ah, I apologize I did not mean to make anybody worry.

Maybe this manor is causing a very negative effect to happen, maybe I should do research and find out.

I apologize for this question, but I'm curious to know what exactly it is you are doing?

[Hearing a voice and feeling a mind approach as well, Ryuutaro made Pisces stop it's attack and got up. He still didn't look exactly fine, but he was catching his breath and attempted a fairly succesfull smile]

I'm currently training, but I don't suppose you're familiar with beyblades...

No, I don't think I've heard of something like that before.

I suppose, the easiest way to explain it to someone from another world, would be calling them spinning tops with special abilities.

[He holds his beyblade Pisces up a bit]

But that does not actually describe anything of it properly.

[There is a woman now standing next to you. Why didn't you hear her approach, even her thoughts? If you try to read her, you get nothing. Just a warm presence, like you might get standing in a field on a warm, sunny day.

She gives him a comforting pat on the head, soothing some of his pain, and changing the air pressure back to normal. She just gives him a small, reassuring smile.]

[It does not strike Ryuutaro as odd that he couldn't feel her approaching, because the telepathy was something he was still not used to.
The headpat is something he dislikes though and he immediately moves away, stumbling onto his feed properly, then opening his fan]

I-I'm fine, thank you for your concern.

[She lets her smile stay in place, and regards him carefully. She sends the message to his blackberry.]

that is not yours.

[Ryuutaro is a bit surprised at this way of communication, but he supposes he's seen weider things by now]

These abilities? They are... I'm just afraid I'm lacking a bit to go along with it.

[If this was about his new telepathy though... then again... how could she know of that?]

[she shook her head, before a slightly more cryptic message appeared.]

You have lost to gain, I think. But your gain is someone else's loss.

Fate 26 -◘[In Person]◘- Louder than thunder (I know I could be better)

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Oh my god I wibbled writing this... s-so hard.

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