badfic_manor | [Video] Teenagers scare the living SHIT out of me (esp 8 ft ones with tits big as me)

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[Video] Teenagers scare the living SHIT out of me (esp 8 ft ones with tits big as me)

[Badou has taken this past event in stride; which means mourning the half interested jailbait and giving his young impressionable and (sometimes) muscle-y charges countless wise lectures on life, liberty, and proper ways to access-]

The condom club! Listen up you sweet an sour assmunches, one day you'll rue the day you didn't heed Mr. Nails' awesome advice- 'specially when you get three little brats hangin' off your teats fer eighteen years. Anyway; writin, readin, arhythumtickin, an the condom club'll getcha far in life.[The feed chugs along as he paces, chewing on the end of his cigarette all the while and oblivious to the spit ball carnage happening to his ass and the back of his shirt. They've got good aim.]

Whip it out, piss in a cup, an your member is a member fer life. When your frothin' loins call out to each other wantonly durin' prom, very few of you'll get herpes or babies. Oh an ladies, you've got the same shpiel, but more hooter shit. [Badou turns to face his audience, of whom display a varying degree of confusion, disgust, and arousal, then takes a soothing pull from his blessed cigarette, pleased as punch with himself for NOT saying anything that could be deemed sexual harassment. For once.] Questions? Comments? Concer- no, Nezbit, put your goddamn hand down, I'm bout to put a detention slip up your ass, for the love of God, no, bad, sit. Yeah, /you/, what do you want?

Mister Nails, this is a health class. The unit was supposed to cover the toxicity and dangers of drugs and alcohol. Sexual education was last week and we all will spend the rest of our lives purging that from our memories. Also, you're exposing us to harmful second hand smoke. Again.

[All the brave soul receives for his trouble is a snort and the finger.] You're bout to be exposed to my foot in your asshole in a minute, how's that? Smoke is good fer you, builds character, an only communists believe that bullshit. Any other smartasses wanna go a round? I'll take you down to china town-

[When a particularly large (GARGANTUAN) young man in a letterman jacket stands and starts to make his way up the row of desks, Badou lets out a squawk, accuses the 'crew' of mutiny, and ducks behind his desk] EXCEPT YOU, SCOTTY, DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE A FIREWORK? AN MY FAVORITE? YOUR SPONTANEOUS MUSCLE TWITCHES DURIN CLASS MAKE ME SO ENVIOUS.

[The class bursts into laughter as 'Scotty' merely takes the bathroom pass, gives Badou the stink eye, then leaves. Just as the coast is clear and Badou emerges to straighten his knotted tie, a softball smacks him in the eye, sending him and his eyepatch reeling]

MOOOTHERFUCK! WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY CALLED SOFT, THOSE AIN'T FLACCID AT ALL! WHO DID THAT, I'M GONNA-

TAKE A POTTY BREAK! [He storms out, the sound of his student's advise haunting him like a taco bell el grande]

Don't forget to wipe! That's the most important act of the day!

I'M GONNA ACT YOUR....AW SHUDDAP! [He bellows, lower lip wobbling pathetically, and the feed catches his rendition of Ginger Vs. The Water Fountain just before it cuts off.]

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[Legends of honor and valor are necessary you uncouth swine. Didn't they teach you that in schoo- oh nevermind. WHATEVER, LONG AND UNNECESSARY PONYTAIL. YEAH I WENT THERE. Is he also a poon hound marksman? Sounds bout right on the money. EXCUSE YOU PRINCESS BUT THERE COULD BE SOME JUDAISM IN THERE TOO, GINGERCIST! No peg legs, no pirate license. Butt buddy butt buddy butt buddy.]

Fish tacos, too? You're a manling of many hobbies, aintcha? [Badou is nearly overcum with laughter. But he withholds it. Barely.] But it sounds like them hard boiled lessons are rubbin off on ya, dilhole! A rugged man's gotta be able to eat in any environment.

Some day, young cockhopper. Some day. [Would have been a great wistful sigh if Badou wasn't smirking oh so assholishly]

[Nope. They only taught him how to hack living things to pieces while they resist. Fun. SHUT UP THE PONYTAIL IS VERY NECESSARY. IT GIVES HIM AN EDGE. Religion gets plenty of hate too, so sure, whatever. Keep it up and you'll have a need for that wooden leg in near future, too.]

No.

[Although he can agree that environment and food should not influence taking care of necessities. That smirk looks suspicious though.]

What's a cockhopper.

[Thank god Badou doesn't know how hard boiled and eco-friendly Kand-y is. Ma Testtube would be proud. HOW IS THAT NECESSARY? NECESSARY TO STAR IN A PARODY OF I WHIP MY HAIR BACK AND FORTH? IS THAT IT? THERE IS NO EDGE TO HAIR JELL. We all feel a little uncomfortable about discussing sensei's third leg, and then referring to it as wooden. C'mon now.]

Yes. You've gotta getcher practice somehow, kiddo. Feel the girth an the taste an all. Delicate palate won't know what hit the back of it's throat.

[Literally everything about this is suspicious. It oozes from his pores.]

You dunno what that is, either? Damn, the way we're goin I might haveta get a real teachin' license one of these days. A cockhopper is a student that hops cocks until becomin' a master an beatin' his sensei in the ways of smangin'.

[He's very eco-friendly. Only uses public transport (TRAINS) and shit. And his mother is a pond, thanks. NO, NECESSARY TO BE THAT COOL CHARACTER WITH LONG HAIR WHO DOES MOST OF THE IMPORTANT THINGS. AND HAIR PRODUCTS DEFINITELY HAVE AN EDGE, ANYWAY. Not that wood, idiot, the one you get when you lose an actual leg.]

Whatever.

[What a shady, suspicious fellow.]

Don't.

[Thinks for a moment.]

I'm not interested in harming birds. Go bother someone else.

[Poor cocks might not survive being hopped on, you know. The hens will be left widowed. So cruel.]

[Being a test tube crack baby pond whatever was there NO science lesson on the tar crap being farted into the air by those trains? Check yourself before you wreck yourself, man. A pond? That's rough, buddy. She was probably very clear and not full of toxic waste (aside from your nuts). OHH SO LIKE BADOU? Okay, okay, we've reached an understanding. Being a ginger woulda helped. Pirate jokes now? Really? How the mighty have fallen.]

Yeah, yeah, I can tell from your pink face you're all shy. You'll get the hang of all that shit, an even realize the glory of....tongue. DUN DUN DUUUUUN! But that's another lesson fer another price.

[Smiiiirk. Thou doth protest too much. Is this reverse pshychology? You WANT Mister Nails as a legit teacher, don't you!? Awww~] I think I just might. If little brats like you look at me with those puppy dog eyes an go oh mistah Nails, please teach us the ways of the condom club!

[Have the blankest of stares. Wh-...he doesn't follow. Big surprise in the Great Lost in Translation Race.] The hell is it with you an endangerin' shit? Well it ain't gonna taste like fuckin chicken, lemme just say that. [Annnd have a grin, on the house. Maybe that's a good way to make fried chicken? T-bagging? Try it, Yu-chama.] Oh but we're havin such a goddamn good time, cupcake! No need to play hard to get, our friendship is blossomin' beautifully.

[It's less than car fumes, that's for certain. And damn right, she was. The nuts aren't toxic either, although maybe a little magical. NO, NO. BADOU DOESN'T HAVE AN EDGE. EVER. And shut up, ginger.]

I'm not shy.

[Twitches, but if he does gain any bit of colour, it's annoyance rather than embarrassment. He's this close to a full-fledged face-palm, too.]

The future generation is doomed.

[Says it dryly as if it's already happened a hundred years ago. Cocks an eyebrow.]

Of course it tastes like chicken, it's the same damn thing besides the tail.

[And frooooown.]

I don't see it.

[True dat, but on trains you gotta also worry bout cowpoke aggression, gettin shoved by lil ol ladies through windows on the way to the eatin car, and western mustaches. I'm sure she was a nice, moist lady. Magical balls, huh? They scattered about the universe with only one smart ass blue haired babe and a tiny monkey boy to save em? I see. BADOU IS SO EDGEY HE'S A HARD BOILED EGG, DON'T HATE! HE CAN'T SEE THE HATERS. Shut up, Princess.]

Uh huuuuuh. Bullshit, judgin by the cute shade of red, daaaw~ No worries, your secret's sorta safe with me! Probably. Maybe. Eh. [Badou figures the twitch is just a reflex or a fart or something.]

I know right? Kids these days, lil fuckers...how do we reach these kiiiiiids? Good ol' medicine from Mr. Nails, that's how. I don't want those little bastards in my public office that's fer damn sure. I can dodge my own goddamn taxes, thank you very much, little assdick.

[Deadpan.] The fuck do you know about chasin' tail. Besides your own. Small miracle, y'know the difference...

[Asshole smiiiile~] I'll getcha some cute specks, man. Then you'll see the light an you dont gotta squint an look like you've gotta shit. Eyesight can be a real bitch.

[Never happened to them. They get a private car and an assistant kind of a person that Kanda doesn't mind using as a servant and send them to bring food. If they're killed by an old lady, they were useless to begin with. Small loss. No, you shut up.]

What secret is that.

[He's just going to stop listening at this point. The strange redhead is rambling about who knows what. Taxes, for example. He assumes it's some sort of a projectile weapon.]

I see just fine.

[Except when reading. He's a bit far-sighted.]

[WELL LA-DE-FUCKING-DAH! Us po' folk wouldn't know what it's like to sit in a private car and not be in danger of being groped so sensually that hands have practically becum one with crotches. It must be nice having EXORCIST PRIVILEGE! Uwaa, Kanda-sama your employee relationships warm my cockles. NO, YOU SHUT UP.]

That you're a fuckin social butterfly deep deep deep deep deep deep balls deep down there, but you've still got that cocoon stuck to your ass. So you're a lil shy, a lil self conscious. But if ya keep wigglin dat ass, shake that cocoon off, you'll see your true potential.

[That is literally the greatest advice you will ever receive. You're welcome. Kanda wouldn't be wrong in his assumption.]

You musta squinted when you checked out that beefy fuck's letterman jacket. I do too when 'm trynna see up the Dean's skirt. I feel you, brotha in arms. Eyes. [There's so much warmth and comradery in his eye.]

[You poor folk should quit whining and get a better paying job. Or just quit whining, whichever. And groping, too, quit that as well. WHAT ABOUT YOUR NATURAL HUMAN PRIVILEGE, HUH? HAVING ALL THOSE FEELS AND PUBIC HAIR?!!]

Yeah, whatever.

[Kanda is not really interested in uncovering his potential to attract people by wiggling his ass, so he'll probably pass on that advice. Nice to know.]

No I didn't.

[Just looks annoyed. That look seems creepily and annoyingly familiar, though.]

[OH US POOR FOLK, US %45 PERCENT, HUH? NICE TO SEE THE TRUE COLORS OF YOUR PONY TAIL NOW, YOU ASS! I THOUGHT WE WAS FRIENDS! The groping never stops. Its the circle of circle jerking. Something your PRIVILEGE will never give you! GET SOME MOTHAFUCKIN ROGAIN, BROTHA. Talk about whining...or the second coming of Jesus Christ's puberty. Break you off a piece of that. Don't hate on his glorious lower crimson locks.]

So balls deep you've gotta dig to fuckin China fer it. Uh huh. You brats an this whatever shit, ought to pump that outta you cocky cocks.

[Maybe when he's a big boy. Badou'll wait. No worries. Too bad he's equally not listening to Kanda's subtle pleas to stop existing.] Brothers in eyes, son. Soul Eye brotha. Thank fuck we don't gotta go half an half on a set of contacts, it ain't that bad yet.

[WASN'T IT 47%? NOT THAT INTERESTED IN POLITICS, SORRY. ALTHOUGH PONYTAIL GIVES NO FUCKS ABOUT HUMAN RIGHTS AND IS GENERALLY AN ASS, YES. Ew. Glorious lower locks get all the hate. Also any beard you may or may not be shaving.Why do you get to have all those manly things to put off fangirls with?!]

[You know what, he's just going to stop responding whatsoever, and make his subtle pleas a little more clear.]

Die.

[Tries to hang up.]

[Just checking your math skills LET ME DO MY JOB, YOU PONYTAIL SHIT. So exorcist privilege layered in with test tube baby human cock privilege? WOW. BIG HUEVOS. WOW. Are you asking me to trim up, get it together all neat, and lend it to you to feel better? Is that what you're requesting, baby boy? Awwww~ This friendship blossoms into spring.]

OI OI! Don't make me haveta send you to the counselor. Her legs an soothin' methods go on fer fuckin miles. That'll make ya feel less rage-y an testosterone bubblin in no time. No need to thank me, ya thankless shit. [God Badou, you're a damn good teacher, learnin these kids shit.]

You kids can go any time ya got a damn booboo. Us faculty gotta arrange appointments an subtle coffee collisions with nice nipple stains. Spoiled shits. [Now's your chance, listen to your cocoon heart]

[What math skills NO NEVER. No, the colour wouldn't match anyway. Although he may hold onto that idea.]

I'm not bubbling with anything!

[Here's one rage-y teenager. A guy this pissed off would flip a knife if this was a face to face interaction. Might be testosterone's fault still, though.]

[One wig plus one wig equals the beginning of a fetish. Those kinds of skills, kid. So? Lots of middle aged men do the multi-colored mustache thing! If they can, so can YOU! Red hair on your chest will really bring out your kawaii eyes.]

Whoa whoa! Calm your tits, keep yer pants on, an let's keep it that way. Cool it with the frothin' loins, brat. [Cool as can fucking be Badou just waves his hands and tuts. Was he this anal as a brat? (yes. Worse.) Jesus. Bubbling makes tea or whatever, ain't like it's a bad thing. Lots of good bubble-y things. Maybe some day when he's older he'll get it.] Maybe you do need a lil sweet, sweet lovin' from the counselor. Let loose an shit.

[Thank the lord they haven't met in person yet. Great antici......pation is at hand. Danger anticipation for Badou's wellbeing.]

[IT'S NOT A WIG ~~IT'S KATSURA~~. And his eyes are hardly kawaii, thanks. Can't say the same about the main character, though.]

I don't need loving.

[Now he's just in denial. Maybe a proper mom raising him away from the war could have made a miracle. Alas, there's just Tiedoll and scarring memories of what was supposed to be his first meeting with a fake Santa.]

[Indeed. But that day will come soon. And once it does, someone is going to be sorry. Or not.]

[Well it sure as fuck ain't a natural perm. You've got that going for you. And no diabetes. They're kinda kawaii in a I-Eat-Flesh-And-Tsun-Tsun way! Eyes to the window of the soul, what a lame ass concept.]

Someone could use some goddamn hugs between boundless, braless cleavage, that's fer damn sure. Everyone could. I could! Gonna sign me up fer somma that...[Badou raises an eyebrow, mouth slanted wryly. This kid doesn't jump around when he goes to shows, does he.] No matter how tough you try to be or how many dick wavin contests you wanna have, everyone needs a lil affection. Human nature. Cuddle-y buggle.

[It's all going to end in tears, isn't it. And Badou will be so unaware. Jesus. I love happy reunions]

[Natural or unnatural wouldn't hold this hair for long. The small joys of life. He may not have diabetes but cancer would be a fucking bitch, considering he regenerates all destroyed cells. Whoops. TAKE OUT THE TSUN-TSUN PART AND WE'RE GOOD. Too bad his soul is borrowed so you won't learn much even if you stare at it.]

You do that.

[Makes a fairly disgusted face at the mention of cuddling.]

Who'd want to wave dicks?

[Perhaps. Or at least with a lot of screaming and property damage.]

[What are ya talking about you uninventive, unimaginative brat? If you put enough duck tape, or velcro it on, the hair'll stay! Just don't shower. Or have sloppy makeouts. Losing a mustache in someone's snatch would be embarrassing. At least he ain't a Merc with a Mount. Tsun tsun desu. Borrowed with interest? Bummer. Maybe a middle man could help.]

I think I fuckin will! I'll put in a good word fer ya inbetween moan-...wait no that'd be kinda creepy. I'll schedule ya in as I'm escapin' out the window, panties snatched, pants hopefully on. [Coos oh so amused at your face. Ububububbuub~]

Clearly your shitty skills of changin' the subject need some work too.
You do, apparently. I ain't gonna judge. Different strokes fer different clammy handed brats.

[The bill of Massive Fucking Destruction will be on you, buddy! Aw you shouldn't have.]

[Showering might be a problem. Not so much the rest, ew. Not that he wants curly crimpy Sue locks in the first place. Actually it's more illegally bound with magic than borrowed, but it was done by other bad people so nobody cares.]

Shut the fuck up. I don't want to hear about it.

[Is way, way past his patience for inappropriate zone now.]

... No. I don't.

[THROWS BLACKBERRY DOWN LIKE A POISONOUS SPIDER]

[He's just jealous that he has that wig and he'll never get a donation of curly lower locks with that 'tude! And he'll never be able to tie it with a bow. Call Keller and Keller, maybe they can get your profits back and tie a bow on your soul and your pubestache.]

I've seen her bendin' down too. She's got some hella interestin' thongs fer the prize. 'm sure if you're a good boy she'll give ya a peek. [Oblivious, thy name is Badou Nails.]

If ya change up your lotion 'm sure it'll give you some good frict-
[Moshi, moshi, sensei desu? He stares at the screen blankly]

Sure ain't gonna impress the sex hotline mediocre babes with those manners. [He switches off with an eyeroll.]

[HOW CAN ANYONE JUST KEEP TALKING ABOUT THINGS LIKE THIS NO SERIOUSLY.]

[Kanda's happily taking the device apart right now, so he doesn't hear that. Happiness is a relative term, though.]

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