badfic_manor | [Video] Teenagers scare the living SHIT out of me (esp 8 ft ones with tits big as me)

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[Video] Teenagers scare the living SHIT out of me (esp 8 ft ones with tits big as me)

[Badou has taken this past event in stride; which means mourning the half interested jailbait and giving his young impressionable and (sometimes) muscle-y charges countless wise lectures on life, liberty, and proper ways to access-]

The condom club! Listen up you sweet an sour assmunches, one day you'll rue the day you didn't heed Mr. Nails' awesome advice- 'specially when you get three little brats hangin' off your teats fer eighteen years. Anyway; writin, readin, arhythumtickin, an the condom club'll getcha far in life.[The feed chugs along as he paces, chewing on the end of his cigarette all the while and oblivious to the spit ball carnage happening to his ass and the back of his shirt. They've got good aim.]

Whip it out, piss in a cup, an your member is a member fer life. When your frothin' loins call out to each other wantonly durin' prom, very few of you'll get herpes or babies. Oh an ladies, you've got the same shpiel, but more hooter shit. [Badou turns to face his audience, of whom display a varying degree of confusion, disgust, and arousal, then takes a soothing pull from his blessed cigarette, pleased as punch with himself for NOT saying anything that could be deemed sexual harassment. For once.] Questions? Comments? Concer- no, Nezbit, put your goddamn hand down, I'm bout to put a detention slip up your ass, for the love of God, no, bad, sit. Yeah, /you/, what do you want?

Mister Nails, this is a health class. The unit was supposed to cover the toxicity and dangers of drugs and alcohol. Sexual education was last week and we all will spend the rest of our lives purging that from our memories. Also, you're exposing us to harmful second hand smoke. Again.

[All the brave soul receives for his trouble is a snort and the finger.] You're bout to be exposed to my foot in your asshole in a minute, how's that? Smoke is good fer you, builds character, an only communists believe that bullshit. Any other smartasses wanna go a round? I'll take you down to china town-

[When a particularly large (GARGANTUAN) young man in a letterman jacket stands and starts to make his way up the row of desks, Badou lets out a squawk, accuses the 'crew' of mutiny, and ducks behind his desk] EXCEPT YOU, SCOTTY, DID I EVER TELL YOU THAT YOU'RE A FIREWORK? AN MY FAVORITE? YOUR SPONTANEOUS MUSCLE TWITCHES DURIN CLASS MAKE ME SO ENVIOUS.

[The class bursts into laughter as 'Scotty' merely takes the bathroom pass, gives Badou the stink eye, then leaves. Just as the coast is clear and Badou emerges to straighten his knotted tie, a softball smacks him in the eye, sending him and his eyepatch reeling]

MOOOTHERFUCK! WHY THE FUCK ARE THEY CALLED SOFT, THOSE AIN'T FLACCID AT ALL! WHO DID THAT, I'M GONNA-

TAKE A POTTY BREAK! [He storms out, the sound of his student's advise haunting him like a taco bell el grande]

Don't forget to wipe! That's the most important act of the day!

I'M GONNA ACT YOUR....AW SHUDDAP! [He bellows, lower lip wobbling pathetically, and the feed catches his rendition of Ginger Vs. The Water Fountain just before it cuts off.]

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[don't mind the sound of laughing coming from this feed. That? is hilarious.]

They're wrong - it's washing your hands.

[Paaause]

And don't forget that shaking more than twice is playing with yourself.

[Shmirk. this newly-teen is indeed taking the piss.]

[The laugh track he can handle; on sitcoms just as shitty as this one all that's done by dead fuckers. It's when Dean-o (Dino? We'll go with that) starts spouting the condom club criteria that Badou actually takes notice. He adjusts his eyepatch properly over his empty eye socket, harrumphs, and peers at the smug little punk on the feed.]

Nice to know people can trust your experiences, fly boy. If water sports are your thing I ain't one to judge; once knew a guy who got rolled up like a newspaper an spanked on the weekends. That's pretty goddamn judgeable. Christ, you brats need to hit the books...

Nah, I don't do books. Not many of them have anything useful in 'em.

Hot damn diggity, no really? You can hardly tell your soft noggin's restrainin' order against books judgin' by your grades, 'm sure.

Much as I hate to fuckin admit it, I'm with ya there. The only ones that gave me any kinda useful stimulation were them ispy fuckers. [He gestures to his sight vaguely] Hand eye coordination my ass. Waldo woulda gotten an aneurism an shat a brick simultaneously. [Big words, ooooh!]

[Oh, no. When he can be bothered with it? He's smart. Not scary-smart like his brother, but he is smart. He also retains a lot more learning than he'd have you believe. He just prefers to expend his energy elsewhere. That, and if he gives out stupid, things expect stupid. It lets him catch them off-guard.

But he shrugs easily, lips curving amusedly, before saying (more than a little sarcastically):] If I could read it, I'd let you know.

[That smug smirk... is not dropping. Sorry Badou, but being a teacher - especially a crappy one by the seems of it, according to his judgement - has marked you out as a target.] Yeah, you can tell. [Not going to explain what part of that sentence. Ever. Have fun with that. ~~Even though he actually means that it seems like you've never picked up a book other than that. And that he's not surprised you struggled.~~]

[Another street smart genius with a heart of silver? Sheee-iiit, there goes the neighborhood. On the bright side Dino's rep is safe with Badou; he merely sees another smug little shit who needs to be taken down a few pegs. Preferably with his teeth not in tact. So Badou sighs and rolls his eye.] What, too many concussions an t-baggin? Must be a rough life, kid.

[Now his peeper widens in alarm and his face contorts accordingly. Constipated-ly. SOOO NOT AMUSED! If he saw Badou collide with anything there are very few ways to explain it other than depth perception. Maybe this kid meant...pep talking Waldo? That had to be it. Yeah, that was totally it! Who would DARE question and mock his teaching techniques?! No wise man, that's who...m. He doesn't teach english for a reason, fuck it.]

Don't you have some better things to fuckin do? Like stealin' lunch money or givin yourself a wistful wedggie in the ladies room? What's your name, anyhow. I oughta write you up on general principle.

Something like that. [A shrug. not for you to know.]

Sounds more like your day than mine, sir. only time I go in the ladies is with one on my arm and she has a thing for weird places. It happens more than you think. Probably the 'danger' of it being in a public place or something. I don't know. [He's challenging your manhood by mentioning it happening quite a lot. You know, like you don't know. More than hinting that he's saying you don't get laid enough, so you wouldn't know this.

The lie is effortless. smooth, not even a flicker in expression. He's practised and experienced. Though, it could be assumed that it's because he's quite clearly giving you what is a fake name.] Marc, sir. [Even manges to get that petulant and mocking.] Marc Bolan. [Yep, he went for one of the obvious ones. Yep, it was deliberate.]

Edited (html >_(\) 2012-08-18 07:00 (UTC)

Naw, I only steal from disgruntled lil' old ladies an those boy scouts that waddle an can't run after me. I might even get to be on funniest home videos. [His voice drips with contempt. Have another eyeroll. Come fucking ON, everyone knows you get crabs from smanging in public bathrooms. How raw is this kid. Whatever, Badou doesn't feel sorry for the cocky little cock. When he wakes up with his dick funky colors, don't cum crying to Mistah Nails~ Seriously. Does he look like a nurse, or a counselor. Health teacher no qualified-o.]

You hunt chicks that can only bare to bare their all in the shitter? /God damn/ you poonhound. You're a real fuckin man, brah. I forget what it's like to be barred from swanky establishments fer shitty ass fake IDs. That's rough, buddy.

Dick Banderass, you say? [Badou's lips curl into a sneer. He's a real keeper, this one. Annoying as fuck but sort of entertaining.] Lemme just write that down....[In case you're wondering YES he is going for a pink slip. Or it could be a coupon from some mag, who knows.]

Nah, not only. I just go to where the lady wants. You know, all about which ever pretty girl I can get my hands on this week. And in a place like this, there's plenty - you can keep 'em begging for more if you go when and how they like it. Not that you'll know anything about that. [why yes, he's challenging it again.

You just get an eyebrow raise. the kind you might give to a child who's misbehaving - showing both patience and they fact you haven't got time for this shit.] Never had that happen, and I've been in plenty. Unlike some people, I have standards. [Why yes, Badou, that was a dig. another dig. especially as that's coming from the kid who just told you that he's had sex in the girls loos when the chick wants it there.]

You can write down whatever the hell you like. [That is the face of someone who cares. NOT. smugness still going.]

So like a true predator you go fer the brainless bimbos in the herd an pick em off one by one, lettin' them lead ya to the shitter. You an the discovery channel must be real ol chums. [Badou's smile is oh so tight and his jaw ticks but he's not gonna fall for the bait, he's not gonna fall for the bait, he's not-
He snaps like a training bra strap.]

STANDARDS?! STAN- STANDARDS?! YOU'VE GOT JAIL BAIT POON, UNWRAPPED AN CRISPY, EASY AS PIE YOU LITTLE FUCK! REAL POONHOUNDARY IS THE JUNGLE OF THE RAVE PARTIES, PROWLIN' THE MOTHERFUCKIN SMOKE MACHINE ASS STANKY AIR, BEIN' HIT ON BY A DRAG QUEEN AN AVOIDIN' EM LIKE THE BLACK DEATH! DOIN' THE MATIN' CALL OF THE STANKY LEG! YOU'VE NO FUCKIN- [He's heaving and wheezing, hands flailing about as he explains the first world problem of casual sexings, pink slip mostly forgotten. He was just going to draw a few dicks and leave it in the fucktar- young gentleman's homeroom or something, anyway.] WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT JAILBAIT POONTANG, ANYHOW?! NOTHIN' BUT TEARS, HERPES, AN MOTHERS WITH TOO MANY EXPECTATIONS!

[As he rambles on he shakes the phone, which does nothing but make some less than impressive music to compliment his shrieking and look like a shitty B-horror movie effect. Enjoy.]

[He's just... laughing. And laughing. And laughing. and so very, very smug.] Sounds like someone's jealous. why's that - too old to pull anything nice and tight anymore, or just too old to get it up?

[He then licks his finger and draws an invisible 1 in the air. Before switching off. The message clear: I win.

Dean - 1. Badou - 0]

[Laugh while you can you scrotum pole! Badou's in the middle of panting, wheezing, and flailing in GR (ginger rage) whilst using his manry powers to squeeze the life out of his phone. Nothing is working, and he starts to sputter again-] JEALOUS OF YOUR POTTY STDS? NO FUCKIN THANKS, YOU UNCOUTH DILDO SWINE!

O-OLD...I'M ONLY LIKE FIVE YEARS OLDER THAN YOU, YOU DICKCHEESE! IF YOU DON'T AT LEAST GET THREE BABY SCARES AN A CASE OF ANAL PROLAPSE BY THE TIME YOU'RE MY AGE THE UNIVERSE IS SERIOUSLY AN UNFAIR, UNPROPORTIONED DICK! [and then realizes that Dean is long gone, so he gapes uselessly.]

Little fucks got no manners anymore...

[Blink.]

[Blink blink.]

[Snort.]

What kind of a teacher are you? You're pissing your pants at the sight of one student.

[Why hello there, this is a Kanda remodelled into a lovely left-to-repeat-the-course student with behaviour issues. Still a jerk and an idiot, too.]

[Blinkity blink right back atcha. Badou offers Kanda a blank stare and casually scratches (sort of picks) his nose in disinterest.] Wellitsy wellitsy welllitsy! If it ain't the princess, honorin' us humble fuckers with his presence once again. Yo.

Is your funky ass pony tail cuttin' off circulation to that pea brain of yours therefore makin' your vision swim all the colors of the rainbow? That fucker was huge! Unlike some people, I don't like to get split in half by younger men twice as big as me. Not even older men, either.

An fer the record I'm a fuckin AWESOME teacher! Those kids learned a hell of a lot. [Like transferring early or be scarred for life. He's a little too smug.]

[Scowls at the princess comment, but apparently doesn't remember it being reality. Listens to the insults with a blank face.]

Size isn't everything. You're pathetic.

PFFFFT! [Badou waves his hand and trumpets, loudly, the laughter turning into a smirk way too smug for his disposition.] Says the pathetic hairless balled brat makin excuses fer size. That's compensation if I ever heard it. What are you, a boner whisperer too? Jeeesus, not just hittin books, you need a hobby besides scandalous bathroom visits.

If I really wanted I coulda taken him. I just didn't wanna break a sweat, or a wind, or scare any of those little bastards- I mean precious darlings.

[Kanda would bite back with more cynical comments, but he's suddenly disarmed even if by accident because fuck, he's bloody self-conscious about his hairless balls, thanks. It's not his fault that the scientists didn't bother to install more follicles all over his body! Dammit.]

[Grumps up and now just glares at the too-cheerful man.]

My bathroom visits are not scandalous. How the hell did you get your job? Blackmail?

[Badou so loves it when he thinks the universe is giving him a break by being the one to one-up for once. Thankfully the universe is here to knock him down a few pegs. So he's going to continue the shit eating grin.]

The hell they aint if you've deduced that much, Cock O'Hara Watson, M.D.D.

[Badou gives this whipper snapper a smirk and mimes buffering his nails, hoity toity-] Naw, I got it by blackmai- heeey, how'd ya guess, princess? Really took a handle on my job description from last time, eh? 'm a lil impressed. But yeah, it was a hairy case- literally, the principle's nipples are so goddamn hairy Robin William's is jealous an the waxin job was interrupted by my snoo- er...inquiries. He was all too happy to have me on board~

I shoulda taught black mail for the P.I straight eye 101 instead'a this shit...

[Now that's just getting annoying.]

Why are you telling me all that shit?

[Sorry, as much as it is nice to know that he had been right (no way someone this annoying could be a legit teacher! Then again, they're all annoying. Damn paradox), legends about someone's hairy nipples is the next last thing that Kanda wants to hear about, the lastest being hairy nipples belonging to Beansprout that is. Ew.]

[Badou happens to smell fear AND annoyance from miles away. It's tragic, really. Especially the shit eating grin he maintains, never deterred by Kanda being a non belie(b)r. He doesn't know it yet, but some day Kanda will thank him for the Nipples Tale.]

Well I am a teacher, an you happen to be a shitty lil student...an the only other thing students are good fer besides halfassed poon is learnin' shit to sleeze by. I.e black mailin'. It'll take ya far in the adult world, man. High places, swanky sewers, interestin' boob job investigations.

[Yes he does a pose, don't hate.] It's a hard boiled job but somebody's gotta do it. An the better you are the more bank ya make, with fewer problems from neanderthal thugs. What do ya say? Wanna know more, young grashopper?

[What day is that going to be? Somehow, even the Apocalypse only looks worse with giant hairy nipples looming over it.]

[If it wasn't a video, Kanda would be all ready to cut Badou in two at this point. Alas. Technically, maybe it is his kind of blackmail. Threats. Seems to work fine with most of the normal people, anyway.]

If there's anything shitty, it's your methods.

[Looks superior again, as the nipple horror has faded into the past a little by now.]

No.

[All ready to hang up.]

[I belie(b)ve you mean *Nipocalypse, yes, spot on. That day looms heavily upon the horizon. Cast your sharp samurai eagle eye there, young grasshopper!]

Lotsa peeps were skeptical of Hoodini too, an look where that got him. He got outta many'a kinky situation /an/ made a career outta it! Then again he got herpes an drowned or somethin too...anyway, I know you're hella scared, kid. I know. Success an badassary an poonhoundary too, can be scary. But you gotta take it by the nads an press on!

[Again, Badou can't sense danger or social normalcy if it came up and slapped him on the ass. So he just smirks.] You're shy too? Awwww~ That's cute, that's somethin you can work with fer the girls an boys, 'm sure.

[Oh dear fucking gods was that one also in a prophecy? The world is doomed. DOOMED.]

[Not that he has any idea who or what Hoodini is or was and is interested in the slightest, but he does attempt to listen. Until about ten words in, because that's where the realization of what the shit comes in.]

Shut up.

[Pauses. Glares.]

Not cute.

[Nonono, fear not, dear nip disciple! Merely a purple nurple, the one of our forefathers, firm grip and twisting towards the heavens, shall save us. The chosen one is cumming.]

One time, Hoodini even escaped outta his alimony, child support, /AN/ outta a tank full of sharks, all at the same time. That's hard boiled as fuck, right?! An with these skills you could do that sorta shit too, 'm sure of it. Just take it by the nads an press on with your thumb.

[Smirkity smirk and a wink!]

Totally adorable. So adorable it's adoWAHble! Girls swoon an pinch all KINDS of cheeks, if ya know what 'm sayin.

[That is even worse than the spaceship hidden in the haystack of gramps' farm which will take the humanity to planet of yay once mayhem, destruction and lava offs their current home planet. What.]

I could do all that. Are sharks edible?

[Sharp blade between the eyes make people strangely agreeable, it's a phenomenon unmatched. Grr.]

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It was short, but oh so beautiful XD

YOU'RE BEAUUTIFULL ITS TRUUU. also i'm sorry this is late, my net is a shit, so thats a wrap!

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[Video] dude i'm sorry this is late but my net's being a dildo atm, still is but i am here

[Video] IT'S OKAY REALLY

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