badfic_manor | 38th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video/inperson] backdated to Monday morning

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38th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video/inperson] backdated to Monday morning

[The blackberry abruptly turns on with a clatter as it's dropped to the floor from Gokudera's bedside table. The only thing initially visibly is a hand dangling over the edge of the bed, but it's soon followed by a slender pair of bare pale legs, and then finally the rest of Gokudera. However he's much prettier than usual, and is only wearing an opened collared shirt over a lacy pink bra and panties number.

He (she?) doesn't seem to be fully aware of the change at first... until he reaches up to scratch his chest... and feels something that wasn't there before.

His eyes widen as he looks down at the rather nice cleavage he has spontaneously developed overnight, and he lets out a shrill scream. Them promptly covered his mouth, his face turning beat red. Boys are not supposed to scream like that.

Then the brief flashing of the blackberry catches his eye... and in a fit of both rage and terror he repeatedly slams his foot down on it until it turns off. Good morning to you too Manor!]

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[Hayato crosses his eyes briefly at the fan gesture as he usually did, but then looked back up to Ryuutaro and nodded. He just had to stick it out for the week... it should be fine... he was a boy. Still, this was going to be a shitty-ass week.]

...Is it really noticeable?

[Ryuutaro shrugs lightly, looking Hayato over]

With wide clothes like these? Not on first sight at least. You're looking more delicate than usually though.

[He let out a little sigh of relief. Maybe he could just try and hide it for the week. Though... thinking of trying to hide things...

the teen looks around for a moment before looking back up to Ryuutaro.]

Ah shit! I almost forgot! Where's the kid?!

[While part of him knew the boy had disappeared with the plot... he had gotten kind of attached to the boy. While he hadn't exactly been NICE to the kid, he had been trying his best, and made sure he had everything he needed. Even getting suckered in for a begrudging hug or two, just to try and give the boy what he never got growing up.]

[Well... that. Ryuutaro looked off to the side for a very short moment before raising his shoulders lightly]

He's gone... It was really just a one week plot.

[Ryuutaro manages to bring another smile to his lips. He hadn't really gotten too attached to the child, but it was theirs]

I hope the universe he came from actually exists and he's back there.

[Hayato's cheeks light up again and he looks down, rubbing his neck awkwardly.]

R-right... shoulda figured that one out on my own. I... hope he's there too.

[And he hoped he was okay... and he hoped he was being raised well too. He didn't want a kid that was supposedly his to have to deal with what he had to deal with...]

I can't help wonder what it's actually like, but I suppose that is useless. It's not like we will find out.

[Except if it was their future like it was actually waiting for them, but that seemed a tad unrealistic to Ryuutaro. He couldn't see how they could get from this to that, it was just such a long way.]

Well, by the sounds of it... we were happy together...

[Hayato nodded, and sniffed a bit, though he didn't pay it much mind, his nose had been running since he spent half the day sitting outside in the snow the previous week. Probably just a normal winter thing. Though that did bring up something he was worried about. He had been meaning to ask Ryuutaro, but between watching the kid and trying to get his own thoughts and feelings in order.]

... um... speakin' of that... Ryuutaro... a-are you doin' okay?

[The teens brows furrowed and he tilted his head a bit as he asked. Ryuutaro had been such a wreck the previous week. Hayato knew he had probably been acting off himself, too afraid to make his usual gestures of affection without some sort of cue or permission from Ryuutaro. He didn't want to drive him away again. Old anxieties and fears that he thought he had gotten over started to resurface, but he was doing his best to be the perfect boyfriend. Ryuutaro didn't deserve anything less.]

[Ryuutaro blinked and his smile faded away into a blank expression before he could notice or stop it. For a few seconds he said nothing.
He'd been pushing aside the issue ever since they made up, trying his best to not get into contact with his feelings at all, but not that Hayato asked he didn't really have another choice.]

I...

[He broke off as sure as he started, stopping the rising automatic smile before it could fully spread over his face. He'd be an idiot to just lie and say he was fine now. If he did that he might as well turn around and leave, it would be repeating the same mistake over and over and over.
That didn't make actually speaking his true feelings about such matters any easier though. Now that he had caught himself from the feeling of complete despair his denial abilities were running high again. It was easier for him this way, always had been. It wasn't like he had any other choice, with no person he was even remotely close to in sight.
Ryuutaro trusted Hayato, that was something he could not really question, but he didn't really trust himself with being able to handle opening up fully.
The smile returned, looking a little more helpless and genuine, but it didn't really reach his eyes either.]

Actually... I'm not sure.

[It wasn't so hard now that he'd already started with it, at least that]

I really don't know how I'm doing, let alone if it's 'okay'.

[He clapped his fan, the motion calmed him]

And what about you?

[Hayato was worried with Ryuutaro's answer, but he knew better than to expect much else. Especially after last week.]

Well, my dick's gone and I'm goin' to have to sit down to pee for the rest of the week...

[He scratched the back of his head and looked down, obviously that wasn't close to the real issue... but he didn't want the conversation to get too heavy. Ryuutaro didn't need that. He did deserve an honest answer though...]

But... other that that... I'm just... well... I guess I-I'm scared, and I don't really know what to do... b-but I'm trying my best.

[If his fear hadn't already been apparent by how timid and sparse his touches had become. There was this almost overwhelming anxiety about whether Ryuutaro would tense up or pull away from him again. He didn't want to talk about it... because revealing that was like revealing that he was afraid of Ryuutaro in a way. But if Ryuutaro was going to be honest... so would he.]

[Well, Ryuutaro knew that much and he had more been asking about last week and the prior events... but for a moment he is just stunned once again by Hayato's vulgarity. There were moments in which he knew exactly that they were perfect for each other... and there were moments like that in which he shortly wondered how he ever got to date a boy who was the opposite of all he and others would've thought he wanted.

The random thoughts were pushed aside as Hayato continued to speak. Well, Hayato wasn't the only one scared, that was sure.]

Maybe we're feeling similar things then.

[He smiled a bit more confidently again, though it didn't look exactly happy.]

[Hayato tentatively reached his hands forward a bit to take Ryuutaro's but paused midway, and let his hands drop back to his side. He... wasn't himself right now. His body was messed up, and... well with that added on top of everything else he was worried about, it just seemed like a bad idea. But he gave his own weak, worried smile.]

Well, I guess bein' scared together is better than bein' scared alone, right?

[Ryuutaro noticed and started down at Hayato's hand for a short period of time after the moment had ended. He swallowed before he took a step forward and completed what Hayato had started, taking his hand and leaning his head against the other's shoulder (... chest would've been too awkward like this, tiny adjustments needed to be made).
He did shiver. Touching Hayato because he wanted to had always been a bit difficult, but like this...? Well, it wasn't Hayato he was scared of, not really, and the female body didn't really bother him either. It was just that he didn't know anything anymore.
Ryuutaro chuckled a bit, dryly]

I suppose so.

[It was nice to have his face just hidden, even if maybe his voice was a little muffled now]

...though I've never really thought about it before, admittedly.

[At the little shiver, Hayato tensed up and went a bit rigid. It took him a moment to swallow the lump in his throat... that had been exactly what he was afraid of. Luckily Ryuutaro's face was hidden, and he had a moment to pull himself together. He took a deep shaky breath.]

You don't have to push yourself... i-it's alright. I understand. I can wait.

[It hurt... but if it made Ryuutaro more comfortable then it was okay. It would just take time for things to get better. They were in love. So he just had to keep doing his best to make Ryuutaro happy and be patient. It would be worth it when he could embrace and kiss his boyfriend again, just like they used to.

He just had to wait....

...because Ryuutaro was all he had here.]

[Ryuutaro shook his head, not moving an inch otherwise. He had to get over this, get through this. He knew that he wouldn't, if he waited. It would take forever at least and he didn't want it to take forever. It wasn't so much about touching in itself as about the symbolic level of closeness that came with it.]

I want to be close like this.

[And he could, Ryuutaro knew. Even if the thoughts of the past kept haunting him, he'd already passed the most dangerous border for a few steps. There was no turning back and he wasn't going to keep standing there idly either. Ryuutaro wasn't a coward, he was convinced of this. And now he needed to move forward.]

You've worked quite hard to get me to the point of being alright with touching at all, so it'd be a shame to let that go to waste, wouldn't it?

[He tried a more friendly and casual tone again and luckily it worked. Ryuutaro was pleased with himself]

[Hayato nodded and slowly moved his hands to Ryuutaro's shoulders. Not quite a hug, but it was contact. He was still tentative about the whole thing, but he would just take Ryuutaro at his word. That's what would make him happy, right?]

I-if there's anything I'm doing wrong... j-just tell me okay? I don't want to make you uncomfortable and scare you away again...

[Ryuutaro nodded slowly.]

You haven't done anything wrong though, not over the entire last weeks, so as it's now I couldn't tell you anything.

[Considering how much had went wrong between them that might sound hard to believe, Ryuutaro figured.]

I'm just getting used to everything...

[It felt like he did... as much as he tried to fight it he couldn't help feeling like he was some horrible abomination of a person, like there was something about him that just repulsed people and drove them away. It terrified him, but at the same time he knew it couldn't all be true. Ryuutaro said he loved him, he had the Vongola...

But he was the only Vongola here. And Ryuutaro could hardly touch him without some sort of twitch or shiver.

But he trusted Ryuutaro... so he couldn't be lying. He wouldn't do that. But after the past few weeks, convincing himself was just so hard. It would almost just be a relief to hear that Ryuutaro was repulsed by him, or that he had done something wrong. He knew how to handle that... it was the reaction he was used to getting out of people. Being hated was so much more familiar than being loved. He didn't understand how Ryuutaro could get so upset and drift away after something he said... and yet have it not be his fault.

Why did being loved have to be so hard?

At Ryuutaro's words he just nodded, trying to push back the sea of doubt the best he could. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know how to act, he could barely even try to grasp what he was supposed to think.]

[Ryuutaro's fingers held on to Hayato's hand tightly and for another moment he said nothing as well. It had all already been said, Hayato promised to not leave him and Ryuutaro had in his way promised the same. He didn't even want these things to be repeated all over until they turned empty. He just wanted them to be true and maybe because he wanted it so badly it was so hard to find the confidence to actually believe.

As he stood there like that Ryuutaro couldn't help but notice the things that had changed about Hayato's body. It was odd, he had never noticed how well he knew everything of the other by now.
Ryuutaro stepped back and very slowly let go of Hayato's hand as well. He offered a smile.]

Well, being stuck on these thoughts forever won't do us any good either, will it? The future will arrive soon enough and we might figure things out before we even notice if we only stop counting minutes until then.

[Hayato was reluctant to let Ryuutaro go, but he didn't want Ryuutaro to feel forced to keep touching him and let his take that step back. Hayato crossed his arms over his chest a bit defensively, and looked off to the side, blushing, now that he could no longer use Ryuutaro's touch as a distraction to his condition.]

R-right. W-we'll be okay... we always are....

That's true.

[Ryuutaro found a bit more comfort in hearing Hayato say it then he should, but it was right after all. They'd gotten through so much, always getting back together, always getting out together... So if the past could in fact be an indication for the future, they would be fine]

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38th bomb || Hayato Gokudera || [video/inperson] backdated to Monday morning

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